What do I BLOG about today?

Maybe, just for a change in topic; i'll blog about BLOGGING. I started this BLOG on October 29th, 2006. This will be my 1,041st post. This is the longest I have ever stuck with anything. I have tried to stick with things before. Ya know, things like work out programs, reading books, and pretty much a lot of stuff. Blogging just makes sense for me. I love it, it brings like a bit of a peace. I feel relaxed when I get everything off my chest. It's a good thing.

In church today, we talked about not worrying. It was real good. I don't have my journal with me, because it is in the car. But, take my word for it. It was a good sermon.

I did pretty good with mentally dealing with Janice today I feel. Actually I did really good. I am trusting God more and more with her. And it is really helping me to truly let go. I forgot to talk about my BLOG. But, i'm super tired, and I wanna wake up early so I can go to the Y to work out early in the morning before I start my day.

HAVE A GOOD EVENING!

turned out alright

Today I was uber lazy. Like seriously, I laid around the house and did nothing. I was at the house till probably 1:30pm. I got up and around because my friend Jim texted me and wanted to meet at school to play some pool. Yeah, Jim is a good friend. I really like talking about God with him. We are in the same place I feel in a lot of ways. We seem to complement each other really well spiritually. I am hesitant to use that word, but it works.

After I was done playing pool, I met up with my friend Ryan and his little sister to eat some Mexican food at this place called Casa Grande. It was real good, and real free for me. Then Me, Ryan, and our friend Zach went to this like art show for Haiti.
The guy was really passionate about the whole Haiti situation. And he had good reason to be, he has family over there and it was a good reminder. The evening ended at my friend Ryan's house. Ryan, Zach, and I hung out, watched T.V. and had some good conversation. All is well.

God is good.
Friends are good.
Life is good.

Letting go is extremely painful. God has to have a reason for be and Janice being in a relationship though.

funny morning. . .

A good day. And not JUST because of the Snider game I went to. . . . . to be continued

a cold helping hand

So, I got a text message from Austin (YL friend) today. And, well he wanted to bang out some of the community service hours he has to complete, well says his probation officer. I of course agreed to help him out. So, we grabbed some snow shovels and headed out to clear some driveways. There was a little bit of good conversation, but it was so cold, I think the fact that we were just working to accomplish something, well was good enough. I was glad I was able to help, and I don't think it will be the last time. He probably has 18 hours left to be "serviced."

After I took Austin home, another YL guy wanted to talk. It was so cool what he wanted to talk to me about. And, well, it seems to me that God is reassuring me once again that everything happens for a reason. I don't even want to doubt God. Well, I at least want to get to a point where I doubt God a lot less. I really desire being at a place where I accept what God is doing, and just roll with it. :o)

Today was a good day.

Early start

This morning I started off real early. Just like last year. Yep, I was back with the kids at an Elementary school where the YMCA is present at.

Did that sentence even make sense? Anyways, I worked from 6:30-9:30, and it was fun playing with the kids. After I finished there, I went and got an oil change, which was much needed. $14.95 @ the Chevy dealership. I got my Bible Study accomplished while I was waiting, then I went to Snider to hang out with High School kids. It was real good. It was a real good day. Seriously, a lot of the really "ouchy" pain I have been experiencing because of the whole Janice thing, well I was able to stay busy and not dwell too much on it. God is good, and faithful. Yes he sure is.

188,888 miles

Today I hit a bench mark. Ohh yes, the Camry hit 188,888 miles today. I felt it was such a big moment, I just had to take a picture of it and share with you all.

Today was a heck of a day. It started off with me waking up and realizing I had a very strange dream about Janice. I keep having these dreams. . . kind of makes it difficult to stop thinking about her if I can't even escape her when I sleep. But, check this out (I remember it so specifically, because I wrote it down as soon as I was up and moving). The dream I had last night I had was about Janice. I remember being in a pretty deep sleep and I remember talking on the phone with Janice. We were talking for quite a long time and I remember she was in her Aunt's BMW with Amilaino in the back seat. It was weird because I specifically remember talking to her on the phone, but I also remember seeing her and her cousin in the car. Anyways, the next thing I remember was I asked where she was going and she told me she was going to go get a Big Mac at McDonalds. That was when the conversation turned sour. When I look back on the dream, it is sort of silly now, but in the midst of it I was really mad. Goodness, this feeling of her in my mind has got to dissipate soon. . . . right? I mean, when am I going to miss her less?

Once I got to school. . . . well, God was testing my patience HARDCORE! Check this out. I wake up early, and me and another YL leader went to Snider High School to welcome kids in by holding the doors open. Then I went to school. Ya see I had to go to a Geology lab. I hadn't gotten the book yet, so I went with $100 cash to purchase the book. I remember I had checked it out and it only cost $92.50. But for some reason, it was over $107.00. . . . A little frustrated, I drove all the way home to get $10 more. I went back to the book store, and bought the book. Then I went right to class. Turns out I had purchased the WRONG BOOK! So, in the middle of class, I went and returned the book and got the right one . . . BUT, I forgot the receipt!!! So, I went back to the classroom, got the receipt, and then went back to the book store again. . . . Then back to the classroom, once again. I sat through class, and turns out I missed a lot when I missed that first class (I was in California an extra day). And, the Geology class is just insanely difficult. SO, when the class was over, I went and RETURNED the book one last time. Then I went to drop the class. . . . but there was a hold on my account for $17.50 from last semester for some reason. Then, I went and paid it, and all was well. It was very stressful though, lol.

Spanish class was really good though

BSF was amazingly good too. Did you know that Jesus Wept (John 11:35), the verse, may have more implications behind it than Jesus just feeling bad for Lazarus? Maybe, he was upset at their lack of faith, or just at the whole concept of there being death. The world God created was not to have death, just perfect life. We really screwed things up, what, with all our crazy human sinfulness and such. . . . . G'Night!!!

today was good man/woman

This is me and my awesome white jacket. It is so awesome. Ohh, and this is what I am going to be doing for the majority of my life for the next however long this semester is.

Dang, today was good. Starting in church and it just kept getting better! There was times where I missed Janice like crazy, but, it was still so good.

I was just in the Spirit today I guess you could say. My heart was soft, and I just wanted to love everyone. I wanted to talk to strangers and show people that Christ is in me in a big way. Dang it is good to love Christ and show it by your actions, words, and thoughts. It seriously gets me pumped!! I have no idea what God is going to do to make my situations fixed, like money, and medication, and other things. BUT, it doesn't matter. God is going to do what God needs to do because he is GOD. Simple as that.

God is so good!

Student Staff meeting

Today I had a student staff meeting in Indianapolis. It was a really good thing I think. The part I appreciated the most was the time when I got to ask 4 separate individuals who are on staff with Young Life about their experiences with it. I got to ask a lot of questions that have really been on my heart. It really was a pretty good meeting, but I liked the drive to and from Indianapolis with Ryan even better. We had some really good talk time together.

I went to school as soon as I got home and worked on a homework assignment for a long time. But I don't want to talk about that.

A friend of mine reminded me of Haiti. I mean I think about it daily, but my friend reminded me to outwardly express my heart. What has happened in Haiti is horrible. It is confusing and unfair. It makes me angry and horribly sad. I also feel so blessed, and even more confused at why I am so blessed. I count my blessings, and wonder why they can't have theirs. Then it brings me back to a place where I realize that God does what he needs to do, because HE IS GOD!

But, please. Remember Haiti, and pray. Pray for the people to have comfort brought to them. Pray for the rescue workers, and that money is distributed properly. Pray for these people, and their horrible situation.

Also, I listened to a really good sermon on prayer.

Check it out!!

4 Essential Attitudes of Prayer

Luke 1:5-20

1.) Let God answer prayer in His time.

-Faith is patient, even when you don't want to be.

-God wants to bless us, but he has to prepare us first.

2.) We must be willing to let God answer prayer in his way.

** Inch by inch, it's a sinch.

yard by hard, it's gonna be hard.

-God will do it his way.

3.) We must be willing to let God answer through his own power and his own ability.

-He is more than enough. Just trust.

4.) Let God answer for his own purpose.

-We may think he is answering for our plan, maybe he is just allowing us to be a part of His.

If you want to listen to it, ~!CLICK HERE!~

let the healing begin

I talked with Janice today. At first I didn't think it would be a good idea. But, we talked via text message and it gave me some peace. We sort of looked at the terms, and just redefined what we both already knew. A simple step, but one that provided a lot of peace for me and hopefully some for her. I don't know what the future entails. But, I do know that we both need space right now. I am okay with that.

LET THE HEALING BEGIN!!

God is good. Dang he is so extremely good.

fireflies, Austin, & Nicky time

I took Austin to IPFW (My University) and took him to several different locations to play different pianos. And, we eventually found a place to just sit and talk. I figured we should probably just make a video. . . .

It is good to be back with my Young Life guys.

After I dropped Austin off, I went over to see Nicky. It was really good to see both of them. And, well it helps me to keep my mind off of Janice. It is so difficult,and well I have to submit a lot of my thoughts to God in prayer. A LOT OF PRAYER!! It is so difficult trying to get her out of my mind and thoughts. But, for a while anyways, this is going to be how it will be. God will bring me out of it though, and with more experience and wisdom than I had before. (SIGH) I love my Daddy (Abba Father)!

Galactic Conversations

I have been pretty down in the dumps. So, George and I got together kind of late and decided we might try to start something. This video could be the beginning of a beautiful humorous video section George and I start. We sure did laugh a lot and it feels good to laugh. Sort of helps me to forget why laughing isn't happening much lately.

I stopped at a coffee shop before I went to my evening Spanish class. I worked on some BSF and such.

I have been thinking about Janice a lot today. Everything reminds me of her. I still stand strong in my decision, knowing it was the best for the both of us. Just because it is difficult and hurts, does not mean it was the wrong decision. It does however, make it one of the hardest break ups i've been through. I can't be angry or frustrated with her. The relationship ended on such a high note. Possibly a little choppy, but nothing overwhelming. Evenings are the hardest. I am so use to connecting with her at night time. Whether it was by SKYPE, texting, or a phone call. I always had her with me ringing in the evening. Now I am just alone. I have my prayers, but my prayers do not tell me they love me and make me smile. I'm not saying God doesn't make me smile, he does, shoot every time I see a beautiful sun set I get a big ole grin on my face. But, it's just not the same as someone you care so dearly for telling you that they love you. . . I just have to keep reminding myself why I made this decision, and then I am brought back to a place where I realize it is for the best. :-(

peace amongst difficulty

I followed through with an amazingly difficult decision. This could have been one of the hardest decisions I have had to make yet. I ended my relationship with Janice this morning. Oh my goodness it broke me.

It needed to be done. As I talked about a couple of posts ago, you can not live someone else's life for them. And you can't drag someone down a path they haven't chosen to go down on their own, and think the outcome will be pleasant. I love Janice in a mighty way! But, I Love the Lord far more. Without going too specific on my exact reasoning, because I want to be able to respect where Janice is at. I will just say this. We are both at two very different places. And in order for me to continue to do what God has called me to do, I must stay vigilant in all areas of my life. I was starting to show signs of physical, spiritual, and emotional stress because of my relationship with Janice. She is a wonderful woman, and when I say I love her, I mean it. I gave her a big ole piece of my heart. Darn if that doesn't make this incredibly difficult. It was the right decision though. I knew this because after I got out of my 6-8:45pm class, I went to Campus Crusades, and did some praying and worshiping, God soothed my heart, and I felt the peace that only He can provide. Then my brothers and sisters in Christ really helped me to know without a shadow of doubt, that I am doing the right thing.

I really did lose someone extremely important to me today. I lost someone I love. Not because of some horrible action, or because of anger or anything. But because I knew it had to be done. That for "us" staying together would cause more problems and even worse heart ache down the road. I am being obedient, but it doesn't make the pain any less. I love Janice. But, I had to let her go, so that she find on her own, through an inward desire to seek what is right, not because I am there pushing her in the right direction, all the while struggling and slipping myself. That is not what Christ calls us to do in relationships. DAMNIT IT HURTS THOUGH!

Now I ask myself, what do I do now? What do I do with all the pictures and memories and stories that are so fresh in my mind? Goodness, I didn't want to leave California. It will be so difficult for me to continue to move forward in these next weeks to come. I mean, like to really stick to my decision that I know is right. Wow, today sucked so bad at first. Then I allowed God to come in, and things started to get a whole lot better. That is where it all lies. In trusting in His unfailing love. That is all that matters.

God's great gift of grace is all encompassing. It is warming and powerful.

QUESTION: "Hey mikey, are you confused?"

ANSWER: "Yep, you bet I am."

QUESTION: "Are you happy?"

ANSWER: "Yes, very much so."

QUESTION: "Why?"

ANSWER: "Well, for starters, God's love is amazing and powerful and he loves me more than I can even understand. And I just feel blessed today."

QUESTION: "Does God have something big planned for you?"

ANSWER: "Yes, I believe he does. But, I believe it is already put into motion."

QUESTION: "Do you want to ask and answer more Q&A?"

ANSWER: "No, not really, i'd love to get some good sleep."

You can't live someone elses life

This statement is very true. No matter how much you know something, or no matter how real it is to your self, your person. It does not change anything for another individual. It may impact them, encourage/discourage, or even set a shining example, but the fact of this matter is . . . you can only make your experiences and life situations as real as you allow them to be made in your heart. Because life is hard. Sometimes life is a bitch for seemingly no reason at all. You can cry out and scream, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!" But it doesn't matter, it doesn't change your circumstance or anyone else's circumstance in the least bit. In fact it probably only aggravates both of the cases.

In case you haven't picked up on my verbal cue's yet. I am referring to myself, and some situations I am currently living through. No, it has nothing to do with health care. It has everything to do with. . . . Knowing where you stand, which side of the fence you are on. I am talking about knowing deep within your heart what you want, even though doubt constantly plagues you.It is about knowing that you don't have to be in control, and realizing that surrender is so much more beautiful than pride and keeping things stuffed deep within even though you have stuffed them deep within yourself all your life, because that is what feels normal, and is extremely easy to revert back to.

It has everything to do with understanding that the struggles you face, and the fears that plague you are not unique, in fact to some degree everyone experiences them. And that even though that doesn't really help, it is about accepting the fact that. . . you are not alone in life. That the realization that God is there, and that he loves you so much is enough. And even if it means coming to that realization every single frickin (I wanted to put F******, but didn't) day, well that life is a million times better than going at it by yourself. Nothing is lasting, nothing is loving, everything is fake away from that notion. I am hard pressed to even call that a life. It is more of a death; trying to live on your own. What I am talking about has everything to do with saying SCREW YOU, to the above statement. There is no "realist" when it pertains to God. God doesn't work under our petty human jurisdiction. He rises above it each and every time we allow him to. And lastly, what I am talking about has everything to do with coming to the acceptance that love is the final word. Love is the strongest equation. That even though it looks and appears difficult, messy, and quite frightening, there is no better "stuff" available. That's it. And I feel pretty good about that. :o)

Confused? I'm sorry, because I am not, and I get it, and will continue to get it even though life throws curve balls and takes me out of my comfort zone all the time. That is where I want to live, that is the life I want to walk through. Because ultimately it allows me to experience the most amazing and powerful peace and satisfaction this pathetic, disgusting, vile, sinful, existence allows me to live. Glory be to God in the highest. I want nothing and for him to have everything.

AMEN.

some bad news & stress

Okay, so when I got home from my California/Mexico adventure with Janice. I found out that I had lost my health insurance through my dad. It is really pretty simple. When you turn 23 with Anthem Blue Cross/Blue Shield and are getting insurance through the main carrier (my dad) you get dropped. We (my parents & I) were under the impression that I was good until I was 27. I believed this because my parents told me, and they were apparently just under the wrong impression. Whatever the specific reason is, the fact of the matter is that I got dropped as of December 31st. This add's a lot of stress to the household because my mom now has to work extra hours to make sure I stay healthy. I am now being covered under COBRA health insurance. I am allowed to be on it for 18 months, and it has a hefty premium of $640/month. Not to mention co-pays and what not. Now, I need it because the TYSABRI (medication keeping me healthy) is over $7,000/month.

I am just questioning if I should stay on Young Life student staff, which is really minimal payment. Really, really minimal payment. And confused as to what God is telling me. I don't have peace in my heart, and Satan is really using all these sort of confused thoughts to mess with my head. I am not doubting God in anyway. I do however feel I just don't know what to do with all this. I feel I need to get a "real job" and start providing. But, ministry is a real job, and there lies the confusion. I just don't know. I wish I did.

Doubt, a little bit of fear, confusion, but a heart that desires to work and give my all to Christ. That is where i'm at. God will use that.

I miss Janice

I have only been away from Janice for three official days. But, already I find I laugh almost never. I have lost a bit of joy. It sucks going from having her so much, to not having her at all. It is very difficult. I know God has done it for the both of us. There are many reasons we are not living close to each other for the time being. I miss her with a great passion though. It is very difficult being away from her all of a sudden. I am happier around her.

From the way she turns her head and crosses her arms.

To the way she drives her car.

To the way she looks like the virgin marry. ;o)

some pictures from the trip

So right when I got to California, Janice took me out to eat at a pirate dinner place. We watched this amazing pirate show, and I had to stand up in front of everyone, and it was a good time. Little did I know Janice was just buying time. . . . . so she could keep me busy for my SURPRISE BIRTH DAY PARTY!!! She really got me, and I had my first official surprise b-day party. It was a lot of fun. I walked into that house and really was completely surprised, 100%!!
Some days later we went to an amusement park called Notts Berry Farm. It was fun because we went with a bunch of Janices friends. Many were my friends too!! I love her people in a big way. The next day, or some days later Janice and I, along with another couple Vicky & her b/f Daniel went to this really rich neighborhood that does massive amounts of lit up houses. SO MANY HOUSES!! It was so much fun, and truly beautiful. They sold treats on the street in front of the houses, and there were so many people! Next stop was Disney Land!! We had an amazing breakfast at the place Janice use to work at. The food was SOOO GOOD!! That girl knows how to eat too, I tell you what! ;o) The cool thing about this picture is that a complete stranger walked by us and stopped to say, "Ohhh, you two look so happy!!" It made us both smile and feel good. This was while we waited in line for the Haunted Mansion. Janice is toe most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. This was the first day I got to see the Pacific ocean in person. It was truly amazing, to see, smell, and almost taste the ocean. It was a really beautiful thing. To feel the breeze, I felt like I belonged there. I really did. I would love to live by the ocean, is that wrong?

There are so many more pictures. I am just going to throw a bunch of random ones in, and let them speak for themselves. ENJOY!!

What an amazing trip I had. But I am home now, getting back into the groove of a new semester. Ready to kick some butt and work really hard at doing the best I can do. Living a life for Christ and acting on the Holy Spirit, not my own.

wedding picture & thoughts

So right now I am sitting in Janices living room. I just got done dropping her off at school. She started her weekend class today. It sucks because today is really our last day. :~( She has to go to class all day today, and tomorrow, and tomorrow I leave to go back home. Yesterday was our last full day together. It was super fun though. We went to a wedding, that is where I took that beautiful picture of Janice you see above. I have had so much fun here. I mean it has really been amazing. I have experienced so many new things that i've never done or been apart of before. I like California a lot. I like the scenery, I like the people, I like the weather, but I LOVE Janice. That seems to be the most appealing part of California to me. It will be really interesting to see what all God has in store for me and for us. I know it will work out, it is just the whole patience thing that is
really difficult. I'm gonna do it though, mostly because I have no choice. ;~)

Mikey+Jesus+Janice=love

video update for ya

Okay, we made these two videos on the roof of Janices house in Cabo. They are both very similar, but they have a different feel and well, just enjoy.

Yeah, I know there is a really awkward hair flip that I did right at the start, but hey the hair is getting long so it just happens! ;-)

Janice didn't really want to be in the first video, so this one was made. Seriously, I got to do so much in Mexico. The best part was spending time with Janice. I love this girl. It is going to suck to go home in 5 days. . . .

Now I have massive amounts of pictures, but I don't even have the slightest idea how to sort through them all right now. If I had my computer and my software, it would be different. But on Janices computer and with her stuff, it is very difficult. Anyways, this will be good for now.