REFLECTION day # 7

Today is day 7 of 14 (half way done) on my time of pausing and reflecting. It is difficult, not only because I am constantly searching, praying, and seeking out things in my life that I both struggle with and defy God through. I am also taking a time to pause with someone I have grown kind of close with. I told this person that I needed to take 2 weeks to kind of separate myself and kind of see what is important. I have had to do a lot of thinking and praying about this person. It is really hard too, because I miss the contact with this person. I am really growing because of it though. I'll get right to the reflection time for today, it has been on my heart like WOW.

~REFLECTION~

1.) I had some time to waste before I went to Collateral (a college aged Bible study/church service I go to on Sunday evenings) tonight, and so I of course thought about my sister. Well, I found out right before she went to MA. that she had been letting her g/f use her old car, and even drive her new car. This infuriates me because I dislike her current g/f very much. She is extremely controlling and I just see her as very nasty. It’s not even that she is my sisters gay partner, it is that I am disgusted by her personality and character. And I see that she is just taking advantage of my sister, which happens all the time. Well, I drove by her apartment and her car was not there. I can assume that she decided to let this girl borrow it for the time Mer is away. AHHHHHH!!!! So angry!!!!

R 1.) I have a very hard heart towards Dixie (Mer's g/f) because she is very blunt and out in the open about things. She is not respectful about me or my feelings towards the lifestyle. This bothers me greatly, and so it's almost like I justify my deep dislike for her. I have had several chances to love her, but instead I ignore her or am obviously fake with her. She can be the perfect opportunity for me to love unconditionally, if I want to overcome the struggle of loving everyone the same, I can just start with her. That is a HUGE challenge too. HUGE!!!

Today it took me forever to get around. I was so lazy and lethargic, I just wanted to lay on the couch and watch T.V. Well, I finally got around and went over to my university to read from the Bible. I started on the parking garage, because I really liked it up there before, but the sun was just way too hot, so I moved inside quickly. I went and read in the 24/hr study room attached to the library. After I was in the 24/hr room for a while, this girl started talking on her cell phone extremely loud, so I went outside where there was a table with a huge umbrella saving me from the sun. Once it got to about 7:00PM I went to Mer's apartment complex, that is where I did not see her car, and well found out how I really felt about Dixie...you know the rest from above.

Well, then I went to Collateral. It was good, and I talked with a friend about a friend. Very awesome chat, and great night. It did not end there though. On my way home, I called a guy from my Bible study, to see if he wanted to hang out. His g/f is home from college for the weekend.....so he was going to be with her. So, then I called my friend George. He has been in the BLOG several times I believe. Well, he got in trouble not to long ago with the law, and it made a big mess of things for him. He is really seeking change in his life too. He also lives in my neighborhood, and so I called him up to see if he wanted to sit around the fire pit with me. He did, and he came right over. 2 days ago, I texted him out of no where. I thought I saw him drive by my house, but wasn't even sure if it was his car. I had this deep feeling inside me telling me to text him. So I did, I texted him and told him this, "George, make good decisions tonight man." It turns out, he had been alcohol free for about 23 days, and two days ago he had just left his house and was driving while drinking some beer. After he got my text, he turned around and went home. Interesting what happens when you listen to God. So, anyways. We sat around the fire and talked about God, and friendships and futures. I told George that if he needed a friend to stick by him and not pull him back, that I would be there for him. We talked for a long long long time and even cooked up some hot dog's. It was really good, and it is like 2:30AM right now, and time for me to go to bed.Actually I suppose I have one last thought. The world kind of says, "once you have found yourself, you have found PEACE." I want to fight against that idea and notion and say, "once you have found Grace, you have found Peace." Ya see, once you have found yourself, if with out God, you will only be tormented by what you can not attain on your own. Once you have found God, all things are possible. Proverbs 3:5-6 & Philippians 4:13 are GOOD!

G'Night!!

REFLECTION day # 6

I started the day out pretty darn blessed. Like I said yesterday, I got a phone call from John (old boss for church I use to work for) asking if I would be interested in coming in for 3 hours of work. That is where I was at this morning at 8:00AM, here is a picture of me riding on the bucket of a skid loader while we were taking a load of plants to the back of the building to be RE-PLANTED.Yes, it was a good start to a great day. I was complemented over and over after I was done with the 3 hours. The guy I worked with (Ron Davis, 70+ retired construction everything guy) told me that if I ever needed a reference to any company in Fort Wayne, that I just needed to let him know. Then John came over just before I left, and gave me just a whole list of complements. I got $30.00 cash and now I will have more than enough money (knock on wood) to make it to the next pay check, and THAT IS JUST GOOD STUFF!! As soon as I was done I headed straight to my bro's house. It was there that he put on my serpentine belt.I think it looked a little something like this. All's I know is it's changed and there doesn't appear to be anything wrong with my car. THIS IS ALL VERY GOOD NEWS! :-)
THANKS TROY!!

When I visited Troy and Amy (his wife) I also got a chance to visit with my nieces and nephew. Joel, Haley and the newest addition to the Shepherd family Hannah! Check the little cutie pie below.So friggin cute, and extremely well behaved. Doesn't take much to keep her happy (from my short experience with her) and she LOVES HER UNCLE MIKEY! ;-)

It is essential to be loving towards people in all circumstances in life. God forgives when we can not. This is an important lesson I got a chance to expand and think on today. Good stuff.

~REFLECTIONS~
1.) When I got home after a dull night of stupid t.v. movies and nothingness, later in the evening I decided to walk to the pond in my neighborhood. I sat at the bench by the pond and looked up at the stars and prayed. I spent some time with God just in conversation. It seems that more and more I just talk with God like I am talking to a friend. I mean, I am talking to a friend. It is just not what I was taught as a youngster, in reference to communicating with God. It was good though. I struggled though because I took a Sprite can with me when I walked down to the pond. After I was finished drinking it. I threw it into the pond. :-O

R 1.) I think this shows a deep seeded hatred for fish & really just an over all lack of caring for the environment. I think this way of thinking may have been spurred on when I was a young child and I caught a blue gill in a local lake. When I attempted to pick it up, the gills sliced my skin open, and I forever held this hatred for all fish of the world. I suppose I will have to work on tihs.

It was a good day.

REFLECTION day # 5

Now hear this, today is day 5 of 14 on my significant search for spiritual strengthening, or whatever God would have. Work and school and work were wonderful today. I got a really uplifting comment from my English professor, and that just set the tone. Then, the kids were great...well the kids were average, but I suppose my mood made them great. I have a couple of thoughts on the day. Well, I will give some details, then go into the reflections. Today after work I wanted to go to the 2nd Snider (high school I volunteer with for Young Life) football game. It was great, but I get out of work at 6 and the game starts at 7. I did not want to drive home then back to the stadium. It was just too far. So, I found a parking lot with shade and did a little bible studying. I got into Ester, and she was a pretty bad chick.So, once I was done there and it was time to go to the football game, I did just that. I was pumped to see the kids who I have not seen all summer. I was so excited. I prayed and prayed, and then got there. I seemed to lose a lot of my confidence once I got there.There was easily a million and a half kids there. I am usually so confident in those situations too, but for some reason, I just lost it a bit. BUT, I eventually decided to step out of my comfort zone, and it paid off. I put my trust in the big guy up stairs, and not in my own ability...which is none. Once the game reached half time, it was time to go to my sisters house.Mer is leaving tomorrow morning for MA, where her biological half sister Jill will be picking her up. If you have not heard, or don't remember this story PLEASE CLICK HERE and you too can be filled in with the rest of "us." Cocky I know. I love Merideth so much. Dang do I love her.

~REFLECTIONS~

1.) When I was walking up to the football stadium, and I listened to that voice in me saying I am going to fail, or I am not good enough to cause any real kind of change. I listened to it. I let fear take me over. It wasn't until I was able to force myself out of my comfort zone, and reach out to kids that I was really able to see, "hey, I am darn good at this, and wow do I love these kids."

2.) I was speeding again today, not 20 MPH over, but over the speed limit to say the least. I passed a cop, and it made me look at my speed. It is like my unconscious thought process thinks it is okay to speed. How do I correct this way of thinking? I don't have cruise control.

R 1.) Pride, I think I wanted to be in control. Yet again I know. Good thing God doesn't put a limit on how many times he will let us do something over and over again before he cuts us off. I'd be out a long time ago in so many different areas.

R 2.) This isn't really a spiritual battle..I don't think.

I do think i'm going to bed now though.

I am happy with my progress though.

REFLECTION day # 4

Today is day 4 of 13 on a search inside of my thought process, inhabitions, and actions. I am seeking through God's guidance what I am meant to overcome in my life at this vibrant and active Christ filled life of 21 I currently stand at. It's good stuff, like moose tracks ice cream right after it has had a moment to sit at room temperature for a bit so that it is soft, but not melted. If you know what I am talking about, then well "you know what i'm talking about." :-)

Being judgmental is a friction in my mind I have noticed since I was young. I believe it is quite a common trait in most people. When a person sees something that is different or not understood, it gives an over all feeling of uneasiness. Typically one will push away from what ever is causing that inner conflict, or react like the bully does to the weaker kid on the play ground; lashing out to gain a return of guilty confidence. Well, this is what I found in my Philosophy class today.

~REFLECTION~

1.) There are certain people in my phil 111 class who are, well to be perfectly honest and not sugar coating anything, "lacking in common sense." Before they would speak, or right as they would start speaking, I would think in my head, "here we go." As if to say, the words about to come out of this persons mouth are going to be a waste of everyone's time in this class. It went further than that too. There is one guy in the class who made it known probably within 30 minutes of the first class beginning that he was an athiest. He did so with his words, but also his shirt that clearly said, "I do not believe in God." It doesn't bother me, but my heart is hardened to his comments, and I take no interest in what he says. I am closed off to his input, and although I show no negativity towards him, I do notice that I am a bit closed off.

R 1.) This one is a little bit of a "fuzzy area" for me, but to just put my thoughts right out there, I have this to say. With regards to the people who I view as lacking in common sense, I see myself at a different level of intellegence as them. I put myself above them in a sort of way. I guess I may even lack in a mutual respect for them. Although I would only show it through slight sarcasm, my heart is not being honest and acting with overt conflicts. With regards to the Athiest, I honestly think I fear his way of thinking. Not that it stirs up doubt, but because I know the only way of even being able to tap into the sub-conscioius of a person like that is by being a living example. I fail that so often, it is maybe a fear of failing the opportunity to reach out someone like that. It is all very intimidating for me, BUT, also gives me an idea of what I need to work on.I took this picture in my OLS (Organizational Leadership & Supervision) class. OLS is my chosen minor. You can see the prof in the upper left. You can see his head at least. He seems to be a great guy, and can really get into some great conversation. He does love telling dreadfully aweful jokes though. He has this on going one that his wife is a sumo-wrestler....I like him a lot though.One last picture, then it is off to bed for me. I was sitting for lunch at my house when I saw this little fawn come up to some flowers to nibble on this afternoon. Soon after it's mother and 2 siblings came over from directly by our house. They are getting more and more daring. I can't believe how close he/she was. It was so neat to see.

REFLECTION day # 3

Today is DAY 3 of 14, my pad stayed empty. It was not that I was ignoring anything, or being unaware of my thoughts and actions. Quite the opposite actually. I was super aware of myself all day. From waking up, to right now (10:03PM). My note pad stayed empty. This is a good thing in my opinion. Tomorrow is a new day, but I think a day empty of negative actions or thoughts is realistic and something to be happy about.

Starting out this morning at school I pulled onto campus, and was right on time. Well, when I passed one of the parking lots, I saw the cop standing next to one of the IPFW mountain bikes. When I say "the cop" I, of course am referring to the cop who I was very negative with yesterday. I drove by him, and had that tugging on my heart. So, I turned around and pulled into the lot he was in. I pulled right up next to him and explained what I had said to him. I explained why I had a temper with him, and apologized for my actions. He was extremely surprised, and thankful for me having said that. I explained that I would NOT be having that problem again with him or any of the other IPFW cops in the future. Then I went to class.

At around 12:30, after I went to Home Depot to get some folders and notebooks for classes, I went to Atz's Ice Cream to meet Josh VonGunten for lunch. I had a burger and we discussed the upcoming school year. I am so totally stoked to be involved with Young Life. Such a cool opportunity to reach out to kids, and get down on their level. It's good stuff.

I went back on campus to have a little Bible study. It was super fun, because I found the ultimate location for a quiet time of Bible studying. It was on the very top of one of the parking garages. The one that is usually not super full. I got into Jeremiah some how, and read about the basket of Figs. Jeremiah 24 i'm not sure why, but it done did me good to read that story. Sometimes I am kind of put off by the old testament, because there is just so much I don't understand. Then there are times like today, where I am just like, ummmm I like that A LOT! :-)

When I was driving up the parking garage, in other words, making the assent. I found this pile of puke. I can not say why for sure, but I was drawn to it. And since this is my BLOG, I want to remember this pile of puke some time in the future, or I want my grandchildren to be able to read about this pile of puke, so here it is.Someone's lunch did not sit well with them. LOL. I feel like this BLOG was not enriched with deep philosophical content, so I am just putting in a lot of pictures to fill that void some how.

On my way home, I saw this amazing Mustang Cop Cruiser that looked amazing with it's lights blazing and what not, I just had to pull over and snap a picture of the moment.Yes, that thing is in deed a cop car, and it is amazing!! Now, why Fort Wayne would need one of those things....lol, I am not too sure of, but I am glad we got one. :-)

REFLECTION day # 2

On the old pad today, I didn't have a lot to write down, but what I did write down, well it says a lot about me and where i'm at. I am going to write exactly what I wrote on my note pad.

Day 2 of 14 went a little something like this....

1.) When I was driving to class this morning just as soon as I got out of work at 8:40AM, I ran into the most intense traffic at my university. It was a crazy house, there were cars everywhere. SO, because of traffic I was coming in late & an IPFW cop stopped me because the lots ahead where I was going to park were full....he held me up for probably 3 minutes and I was already 9 minutes late. He told me that I needed to park in the parking garage, and I told him I was not going to park there. I kept yelling to him that I would not park there and for him to let me through. I said, "why should I park in the parking garage?" He told me, "I am the cop, you will listen to me!" Then he told me to wait until he could come and talk to me." After I was extremely frustrated, I pulled out my handicapp placard, and gestured to it very angirly. He said to me, "why didn't you show me earlier as he let me through?" I yelled, "it shouldn't matter...retard" And it was for sure loud enough for him to hear.

~Reflection~

R 1.) This shouts loud and clear, AUTHORITY PROBLEM! And it is so true, I do have a problem with simple authority. I would refer to all authority over me on this earth as "simple authority." If I struggle to obey simple authority, and press my luck with them, why should I think it would be any different with my ultimate authority (God)? I will go ahead and answer this, "it won't be." I need to respect all authority over me, this means taking a constant PRIDE hit, and sucking it up. I could have very easily already had my placard out for him to see, but I wanted to press my luck, and be a jerk. I wanted to be the big man, and try to make him feel little. This is very wrong wrong wrong. I didn't even seek him out afterwords to try to apologize because in that moment my heart was hard. When my heart get's hard, I justify things. That is a horrible thing to do, and another very clear thing for me to reflect and pray on. I need to remember this idea(read picture).....SEE PICTURE BELOW!I got a very hard phone call tonight. My brother in Christ, Matt....well, his wife left him tonight. She did it in a very painful way too. While he was at Bible school, she packed up her things, and put them in her car. When he got home from class, she was gone. He found out she went drinking at Buffalo Wild Wings with one of her old high school drinking gals, and he went there. He said he saw her in there on her phone, checking out guys at the bar. He sat down next to her, until she saw him. Her jaw dropped, and he went to her and asked her to come with him. He told her not to give in, and abandon her husband and her faith. She refused and walked away from him. He is really hurting right now. I know for a fact that if you took an x-ray of his chest, it would look very similar to the picture below. It is so hard to see a brother struggle so badly. I want to fix his situation, or at the very least, let him know why it is happening. But I believe and will pray that he makes correct decisions. Please pray for Matt, and for his Wife Allison, that she is protected in this time.

On a lighter note, I did have a most excellent day today. I went to my philosophy class...and well, I bet I will be spending some time in the future talking about this new class, and the people in it. I will just start off by saying, it will be interesting. ;-)

REFLECTION day # 1

Note pad I will carry with me

(11:28AM)

This is day 1 of 14 where I am going to take a step back and see who I really am. I am going to look at who I really am, and where I am at spiritually with different things in life. I am going to carry around a little note pad, so that I can write things down just as soon as I see or experience them. I will be persistently praying through out the day that God reveal things to me where I need to pay extra attention to. I will do my best to be honest with myself and God. It is going to be a very consuming undertaking because all too often, I am so quick to justify my behavior. But that is what this is all about. I want to be able to recognize my short comings so that I may see them for what they are (sin) and pray and seek God’s guidance on how to change them. It’s exciting really. I am going to use my BLOG as a time of reflection on the day. I am excited, please pray for me as I go through these next two weeks!

Well, I went to my first class this morning. I made it there right on time too! I was worried because I left work at about 9:45, and the college traffic is CRAZY for the first 3 weeks or so. Tom Kāough (Irish) is my English 233 professor, and I already like this guy. He is about to turn 72, and has a lot of "spunk." He has been teaching for 45 years I believe, although he said 55 at one point. And this is what I wrote down for him when I was in class. Kind of my "first impression."

Tom is an up beat strong individual. His character is extremely blunt and caring. He has made several hint's or suggestions made towards his faith, which he did within the first 15 minutes. One of his quotes was this, "genius is simplicity, fear is what complicates." When I came into class, I saw that no one was in the front row, so of course that is where I sat. I think I am going to really like this class, but more importantly the professor teaching it seems awesome! I am excited to learn more about him and for him to learn about me.

(10:17PM)

The day is complete, and I can see already that this little experiment is having a big effect in how I act through out the day. I am already being held accountable to this notepad in my pocket. I will not be dishonest with myself. I also want to say one more thing before I write out my findings for the day.

"It's not all negative." In fact, many times I am very happy with some of the things I do, I just want to be able to "boast in grace." So, because of what I am trying to accomplish for the next 2 weeks, I am not going to be examining the positive things I do through the course of the day. I wrote down three things in my notepad today.

1.) I was in prayer, talking to God about a friend and how I wanted to be able to have a sincere prayer and pure motives with regard to him and I some how started thinking about how I could justify (lie) so I could drink on a plane....totally stupid and off basis, but that is where my mind traveled through even my most sacred of times....my prayer! I have to question that.

2.) I was driving out of my neighborhood and saw a pretty woman walking two cute dogs, I did good at first to look at her face when I passed, but after I passed her I checked my side view mirror and checked out her butt. It was a very deliberete move on my part.

3.) After I left IPFW (my university) from purchasing a book for a class tomorrow, I pulled out in front of a semi. I needed to go left, and the guy was going "WAY TOO FAST!" I risked my own life and health because I was mad because he was driving too fast.

~REFLECTION~

R 1.) It may be confusing, but I know exactly what I am talking about. I was praying for a specific person, then I started thinking about traveling by airplane, and my mind traveled to drinking alcohol and how I could get drunk on a plane and just act like I was really nervous about the flight, I could lie about this and justify having too many drinks. This may show that there is still great chance for substance abuse in my life, or other things. I will have to keep thinking about this one.

R 2.) This shows that my mind is filled with trash. It also shows that I do not see women at all like Christ does. Whether this is true or not, I can not say for sure. But, maybe this is one of the reasons I do not feel like I am fully ready for a relationship. I need to get some priorities straight first, and work on a heart matter before I can fully devote myself to a "significant other" here on earth.

R 3.) This one is classic, and shows my temper just a little bit. I am in need of being in control of a situation. I would risk damage to my body and health because I wasn't gonna allow this giant truck to go storming down a street at speeds way too fast. Also, even when I pulled up to the stop light next to him, I lowered my head down and to the right so I made eye contact with him. Instead of apologizing, I just gave him a look like, "you're an idiot." and drove on. I need to keep my head out of places it doesn't belong and love people in the moments I am angry.

My devotional today was about giving your all to Christ. It was awesome because it went hand and hand with exactly the things I am talking about. I LOVE IT WHEN GOD DOES THAT! :-)

G'Night

stinky fish & 14 days

Time of REFLECTION, ~STARTER DAY~ Tomorrow will be day 1

I woke up this morning and did not feel a pressing urge to go to church. It wasn't that I did not want to go, I just felt like I could do better at home by myself. SO, once I got into the word I was revealed that I needed to take a break with someone. I was revealed very specifically (Matthew 7:12) "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the law of the prophets." I have not been treating this person in my life like I would want them to treat me. In fact, in several circumstances I have thought to myself, this person should be doing this, or saying this, while all along I am completely and utterly WRONG, sinfully WRONG! It hit me like a pillow case filled with bricks would if someone took a swing. So, after I got through the study, I told this person that I wanted to take 14 days, as a time for me to stop and recognize what it is in my life that is causing me to act the way I have been acting. I said I would get back with them in 14 days and let them know what I have found. For the next two weeks, I am going to be doing a lot of reflecting and thinking about my motives, and things of that nature. I will give updates on what I have found, and if you would please pray that God reveals in me the things that I need to see, I would so greatly appreciate it. I want to fight sin, so that I might become closer to Him. In truth and sincerity, I will find what is causing me to stumble. Excuse me, I meant to say I will allow God to reveal to me what is causing me to stumble. I can do nothing except sin and screw up. Gotta keep those eyes focused on the guy upstairs.Well, after my study I am sitting at home waiting for time to get close to Dave Church and my friend Tony calls. He had a problem with his car yesterday, and it broke down on him and his mom paid to have it towed to his house. Well, it was sitting in his driveway, and I tried jumping it, but no good. Maybe fuel something or other wrong with it. Well, we pushed it into his garage, and all the while, I am thinking....dang dude, it stinks like crap out here, is there like a family of dead raccoons around or something. He said, "naw man, I think it is cuz the pond got drained." Well, of course we had to go check it out.

If you look back a week ago maybe, you will see some crazy neighbor who built the ultimate slip and slide off his roof into the pond, well that pond is no more, and now it is full of dead fish. It is stinking the whole front of the neighborhood. Look at this.There was so many dead fish, some of them were really huge too, like maybe big ole nasty carp. So gross. It was an all surrounding smell of putrid fish guts. At Collateral (college aged church I go to) we did a study about Gideon. If you have been a child of Sunday School, you have heard this story many times. Gideon can be found in Judges 6, it is about trust, and it is really cool. Well, in the sense that God is all powerful, and it paints a picture of what Godly doubt can be. I know, I know, you're saying, Ohhhh you should never doubt or question God, but I don't think that is the case. Gideon tested God, but it was more for reassurance on doing His will. I am babbling right now, so just read it for yourself, and check it out.

Good Night!!! I Start school tomorrow.

this day

I was LAZY till about 3 when I finally went outside and me, my sister, and my dad cleaned my sisters, my moms and my dads car. It was fun to clean cars with Mer and my dad. She came over today to get some music on her phone, and I forget what else.Something awesome happened too. I think that Greg Collins does a really good job of depicting this struggle in the above picture. Ya see, I was really struggling with something earlier today. Through God I was able to overcome it, and felt really good about that. I even talked to someone afterwords and asked, why does sin have to be so hard to say no to sometimes? This person explained in a quite poetic way through a metaphore. It went something likethis...Struggles in life are like the currents of a river pushing a stone through it. The stone starts off jagged, rough, and ugly. Through time, the water pushes it along the river bottom, up against other stones, and just gently and patiently wears down the edges until they are smooth and pretty. "WE," the humans in life are like the stones, and the water and river bottom are like the events God takes us through. We start off ugly and rough, but end up smooth and if we choose to walk close to God with our eyes on Him, he builds our character through it all. I thought that was good.

Well, I got a phone call tonight. I won't go into detail about the conversation, because it isn't something that needs to be said, it will stay confident. But this friend was from my past life. I reached out to him big time, then for the past 4 months I haven't heard from him. He called me, because he recently got out of Jail. Like weeks ago. We talked about it, and I had an awesome opportunity to be a loving example of a brother in Christ. He was lifted up by it, I was, and it was good. I think that if I would have made different decisions today, that phone conversation could have gone totally different...and not in a positive way. AGAIN, it is awesome how God ties things together. Even when we totally don't see it coming, He does!!!

G'Night!!

this is my life

I went to school and got some books for school....money has been tight in the house hold, and well i'm not going to go into it, but I didn't have all the money for all the books. So, I got the ones I will absolutely have to have on Monday, and that was that. I went and did this right after I got out of work in the morning, then after I got the books, I went to the hospital and got my 6th infusion of TYSABRI. It was real good, I am super glad I am on this medication. Life would be more challenging than it already is. What I am trying to say is that it is a huge blessing on me.

When I got done with the books, I went back to work, and when I got out of work @ 6:00P.M. I went directly to Autozone to get some oil and a filter, I was going to go to my friend Tony's to have him change the OIL but, I didn't have enough time, I had a Bible study at my house to get to. I had the guys over to my place for the weekly study. It was a good one...except for the mosquitos. As soon as the study was over, I did get over to Tony's and he changed the oil for me. Then we were hungry, and we (me, Tony & Josh) got pizza. We ate it...it was good. While we ate it we watched an old movie we use to watch quite frequently. CKY2K, it is a complilation of videos put together by extremely stupid skateboarders who got fameous skating and doing really stupid stuff on the camera. Things like jumping out of a car into snow, hitting each other in the face with pine needles, punches to the crotch, dressing up stpidly in public, etc. This is the very modest version too. Well, we didn't even get all the way through the video, and Tony says...dude I really feel like skating, let's go over to our old high school and do it. I said....."I'll drive." Here is a video below of me and Josh. It was really a lot of fun. We were stupid, and it felt like High School again, but it was good. I was thinking later on....man, it would be so cool if I could have a Bible study with these guys. I have so much incredible fun with these guys, but they are not at all in the same place I am, not even close. I love um though. It's for a reason though. Everything is for a reason. :-)

~no title~

Man, U2 really knew what they were talking about when they wrote this song. "Teach me, I know i'm not a hopeless case." Sometimes I feel like that. I'm just like crying out to God, saying to him, "it's not hopeless!!" Maybe that was a stupid example, but it's all I got today.

I was lazy, didn't get into the word because I got complacent and maybe I am just really soaking up the last days of my "break." Break, meaning the days where I actually don't have anything to do...other than go to work. I got about 1 1/2 weeks this summer of nothingness.
I can not wait to get back into classes, gonna be so sweet this semester. Get me in class, get me learned and cozy with my peers. I wanna move forward with my education so badly!!!! Tomorrow is going to be another great day.

newsletter & Proverbs

Well, yesterday I promised Andrea (site director) at the YMCA that I would create a newsletter which we as a YMCA site are required to do once a month. Since Andrea has a lot on her plate, I said I would take care of it. I am quite proud with my work, so I wanna share it with anyone who wants to read it.It just looks so good! No, but seriously I am proud of it, I have been showing it off like it is something to be proud of.

I made the newsletter at IPFW as soon as I got off work this morning. I also got some running around on campus taken care of while I was there.I didn't know just exactly what to do as far as some Bible searching goes, I wasn't really digging what my devotional was talking about, so I just dug into Proverbs. Here were some that I covered...and really applied. Proverbs 12:1 Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid. or 12:13 An evil man is trapped by his sinful talk, but a righteous man escapes trouble. or how about 14:9 Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright. I got just one more because when I read it, I could think of people who it directly applies to....14:13 Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief.

keep your coins, I want change

I woke up this morning ready for some change. Now it doesn't have to be massive in your face change, but maybe it could be, that would be alright with me. I could think of a few specific things that I wanted to address, and I DID!

I am so stuck on this whole idea about accepting the fact that as humans we are sinful beasts. Nothing in us is good, but with eyes directed towards Christ, all things are possible. This is no easy task. It takes diligence, daily surrender, and many limitations. God places limits on his people all through out the Bible. Dang did they need um too, and when they didn't follow them, they were not happy. If I can apply this to my life, I see very clearly that I must place limits on things, and follow closely to those limits. This is the change I strive for, and get ever closer every time the sun passes through the sky.

I wanna share this picture, it is really pretty cool. What if you walked into a bathroom and the floor had a painting on it. Not just any painting though, I am talking about a "special painting." Check this out.Man, that could really distract a person. Especially if there was a little music playing in the back ground, something like air blowing by, just the whistles from high altitude wind blowing by. Man, I wonder if you could even concentrate on doing your business. Maybe it wouldn't look very realistic if you were sitting on the pot, but.......maybe it would. I had a good day at work today. I am starting a rapport with the kids, and starting to create relationships. Half the struggle is remembering their names. Once I conquer that part, everything else will just kind of fit into place I figure.

Back to the change topic. I'm not worried about changing multitudes of people. I think that if I can really work on a very specific and lasting change in my own heart, I believe it will pay off in due time. Especially if it is sincere and real. I don't think I have any more to say today. I'll be thinking though, I am always thinking. ;-)

life is a struggle though....I struggle, I hate struggle, but I am learning more and more about it as I live life.

first day @ new job

I want to start out with this video, because well it is pretty awesome, and if you haven't seen it you really need to. ~SIMPLY ADORABLE~

When I got home from the 6AM-9AM shift, I felt comfortable with it. I really look forward to getting to know the kids and I think it is going to be a really good year. I just tried my best to relieve as much stress from Andrea (site director/boss) as I possibly could. I opened up this morning before the kids got there with a prayer. It came out easily, and I notice that the more and more I implement that into daily practice, the more "normal" it becomes...at least with me. We have the "yard stick" rule of punishment. No, not smacking the kids with a yard stick, but they have levels. You start at a neutral level, I think it is blue. Then first incident (after being verbally warned) moves you to the green stick. The second incident moves you to the yellow stick. And the third incident moves you right on up to the RED stick, which means a write up. I hope we don't have too many RED kids, but you just never know. I told Andrea that I would take care of painting the yard sticks, so when I got home, I did just that.Now that's taking intuitive...or maybe sucking up.... but why not both.After I got done painting the sticks, I went out on the screened in porch and had myself a little Bible study time. It was soo nice outside, when I put the Bible down, I fell asleep and took myself a nice little nap. Haven't had one of those in quite some time. It felt good.

When I went back to work, It was a crazy house. The bring YMCA kids in from all over the place and today was the school systems first day, and it was nuts. There were kids getting dropped off in the wrong place, and missing kids, and parents were freaking out, and it was just nuts. BUT, our team (Andrea-site director, Becky-site assistant, me-me) did a great job, and the kids are awesome. It's gonna be a good year.

I wish I could play some music on here. I wish I could just play some of what I have been listening to lately. Because it has really been out of the ordinary. I have been listening to the radio a lot, and the only station I listen to is 94.1 which is classical music. Every time I get in my car, this is what I listen to. All day, every day. I love it, it is extremely peaceful and just puts me in a relaxed and good mood. It is simple to pray to while I am in the car as well.

this is neat

I went to Christ Church of Georgetown this morning. I got to share it with a friend, her name is Melissa. Then I went to a viewing type thingy for my friend Sarah Mulherin

My best friend knew her, so it was good that I could go with him. It was very strange to see her pictures. I dated her in high school, and there was a picture of her taken not too long after we dated. She looked very very different back in high school, then she did right before, and the years before she passed. Sarah had a very warm soul. Jeesh, she seemed to always be able to find good in even the most difficult of people. She could make people smile, and just feel welcome. I have very fond memories of her, it is so strange that she is gone. We have not been close in quite some time, but darn if I don't miss her like we were. I guess that happens with good people. You miss them no matter what your current relationship status was. She is missed, and it is difficult to understand why something like that happens. But it does.

Her sister wrote this brief paragraph on Face Book, I wanted to share it.

If you haven't heard already, Sarah Kleyanne Mulherin passed away on July 31st, 2008 from menococcal meningitis in Toronto, Canada. It is a very fast acting, unpredicatble, unpreventable, uncontrollable, and fatal disease. Sarah had a very big heart in life and even in death. Sarah was able to donate her pancreas, liver, and kidneys to save three other lives, one of which was an 8 year old boy whom we were told wouldn't live to see next week without Sarah's help.
Sarah was turning her life around. She had been back in school for almost a year, was engaged to beautiful Ms. Shannon Lynn, was raising a chiuahua named Jonas, and was living a clean and healthy life when the Lord chose her for an angel.
Her family along with the Lynn family will be holding a service to celebrate her life and all who knew her, met her, loved her are welcome and encouraged to attend. There will be a slide show or recent to early age pictures played at her service and a lot of them will include her with friends from Fort Wayne, Maine, Canada, St. Louis, and New York.

After the service I went to Dave Church and we talked about something that stuck out to me. WE (followers of Christ) need to embrace the idea that we are broken sinners. We don't need to embrace the sin, but in deed the sinner. If we run and hide from the fact that we are creatures of habbit and constantlhy fall short of the glory, if we mask that truth and try to just cover it up and move along with life, then what good are we doing ourselves or other brothers and sisters in Christ? NONE!! We gotta embrace this idea that we constantly fall short, and make change through accountability and constant realization of that very idea. I AM A SINNER, I WILL ALWAYS SIN, THEREFORE I MUST LOOK AT IT VERY CAREFULLY IN ORDER TO MAKE CHANGE! Bam, just like that!

B-Day PARTY & more

I woke up early today, got myself around and had to head downtown for this YMCA training. It is so I am prepared for this new position that will start on Monday. Well, I got out of the house just a little bit too late, and felt like I needed to make up for some lost time by speeding.....This is never a good idea. But, some people like to learn the hard way. Now, I don't know why my brain would tell me it is a better idea to speed than it is to just be a few minutes late....but it did, and so I did. What happened???? Take a look below.Wow, this picture sure does look familiar. If you take a look at ~THIS LINK~ you will see that on April 29th, I got a ticket at my local university for not coming to a complete stop at a stop light on campus. Well, it cost me $242.oo to get on what is called the infraction deferred program, which means if I can go a year with out having another ticket, the citation gets wiped off my record. If I do get another ticket within a year in Allen County (my county) then I pay double the fine and get all the points taken off my license. SO, the decision to speed this morning was incredibly stupid to say the least. This is what happens.

I was going 62 in a 45....yea, I know. And as soon as I pulled over, I started praying. I nervously got out my license and registration, I was so nervous because I knew what was going to be on the line. In all seriousness, my license could be suspended for a while if I got this ticket. So I prayed, I honestly said, "God, I messed up. If I get this ticket, please give me the patience and understanding to take it well, and not to get super upset." When the cop came up to my window, I was honest with him, had my keys sitting on the dash, and was as polite as possible. He retired to his vehicle for only a few minutes, and came back to me. He handed me my license and registration back, and told me he was giving me a verbal warning. My jaw almost hit the ground, and I thanked God. I did however, ask him why he decided to give me a verbal warning. He told me it was because I was honest and didn't feed him a line of B/S..... GRACE is unmerited or deserved favor & love. GRACE is a pretty cool concept.So, I got to the building and went up to the 5th floor where the training was. I was there from 8:00AM to 3:30PM. The room was packed before lunch, but after it slimmed way down because only the new people had to go through the training.

When the training was over, I went home and helped set up for the BIG PARTY. Check out these pictures, from the extremely successful party for my awesome pop's. Who, by the way had a wonderful evening. :-)The beautiful woman to the right is my mother. She was the brains of the whole event. She has awesome taste, and is by far the best cook I know.It was so well done, I kept thinking all through the night, MAN THIS IS SOO NICE!!

I was sitting next to my dad by the fire pit listening to him tell stories and just make small talk with his friends when I got a phone call. It was my friend Matt, and he was really struggling. I mean he was really really struggling. I went inside the house and prayed for him. But he was still extremely upset. I asked him where he was, and he said he was at park in town out in the parking lot. I told him I would be there in 15-20 min. I left the party rather quickly with my Bible and journal in hand. I went directly to Matt, and we talked it out, ohh for probably 2-2 1/2 hours. I let him get as much off his chest as he could, and comforted him all the while. That is what a brother in Christ does, I could tell he was relieved, or at least in a much better place than when I first got there. It was a good thing, for both him and myself. GRACE came up again, and man is it good stuff.

listen to this

I woke up this morning, and got myself around pretty quickly. No dilly dallying. I was on a mission, get to school and get on a payment plan so I can be in school. (very important) So this is what I did and in a matter of no time, I was good to go. The first day of class is on the 25th!Because I wasn't expecting to get through the bursars office so quickly, I had some extra time on my hands. I went to a near by coffee shop and hit up the devotional/Bible digging. It was really good. As I was getting into the word, I got a phone call from a guy with the last name of Murphy. We had talked a while ago about a stem cell transplant he was going just over the border in Mexico for to treat his M/S. It is an interesting (one i'm not familiar with) treatment that uses human placentas. They actually cut parts of the placenta up and place them strategically through out the body. He seems happy and confident with the treatment but still awaiting results.

Today was also the last day for me to be at the YMCA downtown location. It was sad to say goodbye to those kids, but I know on Monday I will have a whole new group of kids to get to know and enjoy just the same.I got to read one last time to these guys. It is crazy how they never get sick of the same book over and over and over and over.

As soon as I got out of work I went home and helped my parents set up for the bit BIRTH DAY PARTY for my dad that will take place tomorrow. It is going to be super nice. I had to help put in the steel fire pit, hang lights, and place tables and what not.

As soon as that was done I went over to my friend Brad's(from Bible study) house where they had a going away party for his girlfriend. She is going to go to Ball State (college) on the 25th to finish her masters degree. They had a rip-roaring fire!!!!
Once I got home for the final time, I went in my back yard, where my parents were sitting around the newly placed fire pit. It was all very nice and peaceful. When they wanted to go to bed, they volunteered me to stay with the fire till it died down and was safe to leave alone......I agreed and wipped out my phone and watched episodes of The Office right there next to the peaceful fire pit and the BEAUTIFUL full moon. A good end to a great day. :-)

chickety check this out

Okay, so early afternoon I get to studying the Bible, and well I made some really cool connections. I am just going to write exactly what I put into my journal. Beware, because this is kind of lengthy.These are the exact words, precisely as they appear in my Journal, hope it is not confusing for anyone. HE HE, but too bad if it is!

8-14
I pissed and moaned a bit today. I had some extra time...hummmm...what will I do with it? First I took care of some E-Mails that "needed to be written"....bah, done....maybe a little T.V.....ughrrr, Alas my stupidity left me and I got in the word. God showed me an interesting correlation between (1 Thessalonians 5:16-19) & (Hebrews 12:7) In verse 19 of 1 thess it says "Do not put out the Spirits fire."And so then this little line stuck out to me from my devotional. "Sanctification (1 thess 5:23) is not my idea of what I want God to do for me, sanctification is God's idea of what He wants to do for me." ~BIG SIGH~ I have got to get off this idea that Mikey knows best. He doesn't....I doesn't!! The more I realize and accept this, the better off I will be. The correlation was made to (Hebrews 12:7) "Endure hardship" So I came up with .....As God work's in my life, I must not be so quick to dismiss unfavorable happenings as, "not from God." I must allow God to work in me how ever he chooses to. (1 thess 5:16&18) says be joyful ALWAYS, and to give thanks in ALL CIRCUMSTANCES. This is so good for my soul to hear, now, how exactly do I stay happy in crap situations? Well, I know how Not to stay happy in crap situations, it's simple. I use to grab a bottle, pills, girls, money, etc. That never worked. So, maybe the whole idea here is to ignore what the FLESH wants, and fix my eyes on Christ. When I look back on my life, I know that during the times I fell hard, I was listening to my flesh and so the crap situations consumed me. If I listen to Christ, the crap situations will still be there to build and strengthen me, but I can get through them, not only just, "get through them." But do so giving thanks all along.

These are my words.

So, not even an hour and a half after I wrote this and had this awesome enlightenment, I walked into the garage for one reason or another and saw my moms back tire on her car. Holy diver, it was low. So I told her she needed air in it right away, like before she tried to drive it again. She told me she didn't know how to do that, and that she wanted me to go do it right quick. I said no problem, but I had to hurry because I had to get to work. Well, I hop into her Camry and head off to the gas station. En Route I came up to a work truck parked on the side of the road, with his right wheels a little bit on the grass. I drew this picture to help explain it. I was driving forward in the neighborhood about to make a left, I was maybe going a little faster than I should have been, maybe going 30 instead of 25, i'm not exactly sure. But I did see the red car (car inbetween me and the work truck) coming, but instead of coming to a quick stop, I just decided to put my right wheels a little bit up on the grass a little bit and just let the guy in the little red car squeeze by. I shouldn't have done that, and the guy yelled at the top of his lungs "YOU BASTARD!!" I felt horrible, and wanted to go apologize, but I was in a hurry, so I didn't even bother to yell out the window, "I'M SORRY, I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT!!"

Well, then since last week my friend Wes paid for my movie ticket, I said the next one was on me.....I didn't know it would be so soon (BECAUSE I'M BROKE), but I am a man of my word, so we went to go see Tropic Thunder with some friends and his girl friend Jackie.I labeled the names, but they don't show up good in this picture. I edited the pic. a bit, but I really like the way it looks for some reason. blurry is the new FOCUS....err something liket that. The movie was crap, BUT Jack Black was, of course, without a doubt, halarious!!! Okay, that was my day in a nut shell, good night, and God Bless!!

Wizards (baseball) game!!

My friend Matt got some free tickets to the Wizards game and decided to take some guys from the Bible study we got going. It is quite refreshing to go out and have fun, actually enjoying myself with a group of guys who I really respect and also really like to hang out with. This is what I have been wanting for quite some time. It was Matt, Josh, Brad, and myself. I should have taken a picture of the guys, but I guess I totally spaced out on that one.
When I am at a baseball game, and I really start to get into it, for some reason I just start to yell a lot. Now, it is not the kind of yelling that would make you turn your head and say to yourself, awww man I wish that guy would shut his mouth. It is the kind of yelling that really pumps up the audience and team. For instance, "COMMON NUMBER 21, IT'S TIME TO STEP IT UP, LET'S SEE THAT ARM OF YOURS BLAST ONE OUT OF THE PARK!!!" This picture below really does a good job of showing my facial expression during the majority of the game. lol Also, there was a group of guys sitting behind us that were mentally disabled. Now whether they had mild or severe retardation, I think they all came from the same nursing facility. It was so great to hear the things they would yell out. And I am pretty sure they got hyped up when they herd me yelling things out constantly. LOL. I believe my enthusiasm helped theirs. Yep, it was a good game and a good day today. I took it slow this morning and slept in, I didn't even work out because well....I suppose I was just enjoying the fact that I can actually sleep in. That is a good thing, and something that will not be possible here in a week and a half or so. I am not going to be lazy tomorrow. It is going to be up early and out and into the schedule of life again. I am going to work out, and then get over to school and buy my books for the semester. Yup Yup!!

G'Night and God bless

(11:45 A.M. update)
Well, I checked online to see how I did in my statistics class...and well it just so happens that I got an (A) in that class!!!!! I am so happy, so very very happy!! All that study time and busting my butt paid off, and it feels good to do so well in a subject that I really struggle with.

(11:00 P.M.)
Yes, seriously I am still so blown away. AHHHHH!!!!! I GOT AN A!!!!!!!!!!

So, today when I went to work I of course was in such a good mood. Even the kids who would usually put me in or near a negative mood, were just like sprinkles to the already lovely ice cream. Yep, it was so good to be with the kids, even though I had to see one of the fathers that has allegations against his actions with one of the children.............That is very difficult. Extremely difficult, but I had to do what I had to do.






At work I played with the kids. The kids are good for my soul. The patience I learn from them is extremely good.That is little Alex who is taking the shot!!! I think that one went in if I remember correctly. I am going to go to a Wizards game tomorrow with my brothers in Christ!! I am so totally pumped! It's gonna be fun!

But for now, it is time for me to lay my head down to sleep, and pray my Lord my soul to keep, tor if I wait, this lunesta continues to kick, a sleep on steps, I will be fit. HUH?

G'Night!!!