Tuesday, November 01, 2016
No one said this would be easy
The glimpse of light
Just when I start to feel the darkness of life overcome me the Lord gives me a glimpse of His mercy and truth. Louisa has started smiling. She knows me and she knows Mike. This picture melts my heart to tears every time I look at it. I want to hold onto this feeling of her smiling for the first time. It is as if God is promising us a bit of relief.
Louisa has been gaining weight and we couldn't be happier. She is a whopping 9 lbs 15 oz and it is obvious. She is not taking any feeding orally right now but I am trying to let that go and focus on the fact that she is gaining weight and we are one step closer to her surgery.
These past 3 weeks have been some of the hardest weeks Mike and I have had to face. After we left the UK Children's Hospital our neighbor's 7 week old little girl died of SIDS. It was absolutely heartbreaking. We ached for her and still do. My heart felt so heavy as I hold my precious gift. Ebony came over one night and just sat and held Louisa and cried and we cried and begged God to be near her. As I watched this hurting momma hold my baby I wanted to take all of her pain away. A week later Ebony brought some of Eden's clothes over to us for Louisa. I couldn't even open the box. I just stared at the box of pain and short lived memories. My heart hurt so bad for them. The next day I went through the clothes and sobbed. I sat staring at my baby weeping. I was reminded of when the Doctor told us Louisa would have Down syndrome. I remembered the ugly feelings that came into our hearts during our time of grieving. I remembered the Doctor asking Mike if we wanted to terminate this baby. I sobbed and sobbed. I felt guilty for not seeing the Gift that Louisa is today.
A couple days after Eden passed away, one of my colleagues died from a long battle with cancer. I was so sad because our profession would not be the same without Tom. Tom loved the Lord and was such a joy to be near. We went to the funeral and grieved with coworkers as we said good-bye to a legend.
So things were already pretty rough and then the following week I found out that I may lose my job.
For six years I have been trying and failing to pass the National Certification Exam for Interpreters called the NIC. Before you get all judge'ie, that I should just accept this fate and move onto a new career, the pass rate is 19.4%. I have struggled to understand why I haven't been able to pass this test when my colleagues and coworkers feel strongly that I should continue to pursue this career. I have questioned myself and my purpose in life more times then I can count. I have cried and ached over this test. I was under the impression that once the NIC Performance Exam was accessible and I would be able to take the test again I would have 5 months to take it. Unfortunately, I was very wrong. Two weeks ago I found out that I have until December 17th, 2016 to take this test. Not only is it time sensitive but my 3-4 month old little girl is going to have open-heart surgery during this period of time.
To say that I have been feeling overwhelmed in a massive understatement. I feel like I am treading water and people keep holding onto my shoulders and pushing me under. My legs are getting tired. My head is almost completely submerged under water. I can only muster up enough strength to kick hard once to lift my mouth above the water level to breath. I sink deeper and deeper as I lose stamina.
I have felt broken in the past. I have felt scared. I have felt overwhelmed. However, I have never felt so supported yet so alone. I feel like I am invisible. I have had my times of wrestling with the Lord but this time has felt different. It isn't that I have turned my back on the Lord but I have forgotten that He is good. I convinced myself the darkness is comfortable. I am too tired and weak to wrestle. I am just living, which is more frightening to me than being angry.
I am ready not just for this season of darkness to pass but to understand what the Lord is teaching me. I don't want to go through all of this and be blind to His movement in our lives. He has taken me to the edge of the cliff before where it feels like everything is impossible and asked me to jump into His arms. The next two months feel impossible but I am too weak to jump. Then Louisa smiles and Mike holds me tight and I am reminded that the Lord has already been carrying me. I don't have to jump, I just have to hold tight while I am carried on His back. This is the glimpse of God's grace. God never promised me my life would be easier when I accepted Jesus into my heart. God did promise He would never leave or abandon me and that is the promise I need to remember when this gets too hard.