People have very strong opinions. Period. That is all. I promise that is all I will say about the Presidential Campaign.
During the election Mike and I started a campaign with "Go Fund Me" for Louisa's medical bills and our upcoming stay at Cincinnati Children's Hospital for her surgery. There are two reasons we decided to do this; 1) Louisa's medical needs have exceeded what we had thought already. 2) I have no more vacation/sick time with my employer and may need to take some unpaid time off.
We started the "Go Fund Me" on Monday November 7th and by Saturday November 12th we had WELL exceeded our goal of $5,000. I am brought to tears when I see who gave. Some of our previous Young Life kids and their families gave. Some of my dearest friends gave. Some gave that we don't even know. If you are reading this and you gave please know that I cannot find the right words to say to express how deeply this has impacted both Mike and myself. We were both floored by the support of our extended 'family'.
Recently I was thinking about the 'Go Fund Me' as well as running the "To Do" list for her heart surgery in my head while feeding Louisa and I was struck with fear. I know in my heart this surgery will be life changing for our family, but it doesn't make the fear of it all any easier. I held my little one close and rocked as tears rolled down my face and landed on her tiny little head. It feels scary. I want to spend every second with her because I am scared. I want to take her pain away so badly. I can't help but be frustrated at times that we are even going through all of this. Sometimes I want to scream and say, "I shouldn't have to make this decision!" "I shouldn't have to buy a box of 100 syringes so that I can feed my baby!" "I shouldn't have to cry after an hour of trying to console my unconsolable little girl." I feel guilty when I lose patience. I feel wrong when I am tired. But all of these things are true. I am tired. I am scared. I am ready for her to feel better. I have cried many nights when I cannot console her and she won't stop screaming because I want so badly to take away her pain. If I could I would remove every ounce of pain from her and put it on myself. It is then I find myself at the foot of the cross. I am reminded of the beautiful story of redemption and how Jesus took all of my and Louisa's pain on himself to die for us.
The past several weeks I have felt a variety of unexplainable feelings; fear, loneliness, failure, joy, hope, and excitement. On Dec. 21 I will get to wake up and (God willing) my daughter's heart will be healed. I get to wake up and we will be on a road to recovery. I get to wake up to a different baby. I can't help but feel guilty because I know not every parent gets this gift. The gift of healing, of hope. Often parents don't even have an option. We have an option. We have a road. I am crying now just thinking of the parents that have to watch their children suffer. I am so sorry. I don't know what to say. My heart hurts for you. Please forgive me for complaining about the short 3 months I have watched my child suffer. I wish, with everything inside of me, that I could fix it.
Someday I will look back at these past 3 months and think.. Wow, how did we survive?
This season of life has been hard on Louisa, as well as, on Mike and me but it is a season. We will wake up and this will be behind us. A part of me never wants to forget this season. I never want to take for granted having a healthy child. I want to remember this feeling so that one day I can be a support for another family experiencing difficulty. I don't want to take for granted what the Lord is doing in my heart during this season. I have been so weak and fragile but so dependent on the Lord and His strength. I am far from perfect, we have bad days, not just Lousia but me as well. It is then that I feel like Job's wife, angry at the Lord. I am not perfect nor do I want to be perfect. I just want to try and be what God is calling me to be and do the best I can.
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