Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Dude, wait how many hours?!?!

Okay, so i am a lil sore. Not gonna lie. I worked from 11p.m. yesterday evening to 2:15p.m. this afternoon. I can't even do the math, but i know it is hella hours. I am tired, sore, and cranky. It's time for mikey to take a nap. These pictures are of me back at the shop after the insanity had finally ended.

p.s. Steph, You are one rockin chick.

Monday, January 29, 2007

frustration building....

Okay, So i just walked downstairs to mention to my parents that i am interested in going to g 3 day music festival near Palm Springs,CA. Didn't even have a chance to say anything about it when my mom says, FORGET ABOUT IT! :+o are you serious woman? This is so frustrating, cuz i shouldn't be living with my parents. I love my parents to death, i do i really do. I LOVE THEM! I would kill to protect my parents, I love them with an unconditional love that can only be tought by years of loving me. BUT, we see life, living, breathing, everything on such a totally different level. By the way, here is a link to the Festival. WOW! This thing is a once in a life time opportunity. Not only that, but RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE!! isn't even together, hasn't been for years. I would go to see them alone!!!!! How does my mother think she has the right to just dismiss something like that? Am i over reacting or do i have a right to be angry/frustrated here? Honestly, if i was living on my own, I would be experiencing so many amazing things. I wouldn't ever second guess myself. With my parents on me and involved with every aspect of my life, i feel like i am still a little kid. Mommy and daddy still making decisions for mikey.

I need some feedback on this one. Stormi, i really like your opinion. U too Lucy Brown!!

p.s. you don't have to sign in/have an account to paste comments.

So frustrating, Why wouldn't she at least say, well that sounds pretty interesting. I mean, she could have blown me off, and i wouldn't be anywhere as wound up as i am right now.

p.s.s. I have to be at work tonight at 11p.m. Fun Fun FUn! prolly work till 3 or 4 in da morning. LATERS!

Saturday, January 27, 2007

2 words causing aghast out the wazooo!!!

OK, so i know i don't have a bad situation. In fact, it's quite good. I pretty much have the whole upstairs of my parents house to my-self. So, I know it really shouldn't bother me, but it does like crazy! When I hear my mom yell, "SUPPER'S READY!!" I swear my heart drops into my stomach. It is so frustrating because I am 20 years old, if i didn't have Multiple Sclerosis, I would NOT be living at home. Every part of me wishes i could be elsewhere. Now, sense i have said that, i must describe my home and parents. My parents are the most loving, patient, and caring human beings that I could have ever asked for. But the fact of the matter is, I need to be "free" I need to be on my own, making my own food, cleaning my own clothes. I need this Stem Cell Transplant to work. Birdy desperately wants to fly away from the nest. Not because the nest is bad. But because he "needs" to. But, I can be comfortable in the fact that God knows the desires of my heart. I don't need to worry about pushing anything. I am right where I need to be, until he makes it painfully obvious. As hard as it is for me to swallow that. "Gulp," I can.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Love, what is it really?

Love.....I think I am starting to understand the concept. I definately havn't gotten it yet, but I think I am getting a little bit closer. I was looking at a picture of someone I loved at a young age. The reason I know I was in love with this person is because every time I look at her, I get a grinding feeling in my stomach. Almost a piercing feeling caused by regret. Maybe I regret how I treated her. Maybe I regret not holding onto her. Maybe I regret ever meeting her, cuz then I wouldn't have to have felt these feelings. I dunno, love is crazy like that. But I know God has all our crazy emotions on "lock down." No matter how confused we get, or how much we regret actions of our past. God is always looking out for our best interest. I have noticed, every time I deny myself something Sinful i feel i want. I am blessed by it. I will give you an example. When I am super stressed out, and feel I have lost control of everything. I WANNA SMOKE A JOINT!!! But, when I ignor that urge, God finds the most amazing ways to send blessings my way. It's awesome. I love, loving God.

P.S. This girl I speak of is probably the most beautiful creature I have ever know personally. Blonde hair, hazel eyes. Amazing heart, and mind. Every time i come in contact with her now, i always feel like a little kid again. Don't know what to say, or how to say it.


I finally have some super positive news concerning my M/S jazz. God has lead me to someone who i believe will come in really handy. His Name is Todd Jacob, he was 24 when he went through the same exact stem cell transplant. He was on his fathers insurance.....guess what insurance his dad had? ANTHEM BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD! Same as me! He went through all the stuff i am going through. He is going to help me. :-O Isn't that pretty friggin ironic? Yea, I didn't think so either. God is too good. Honestly, I deserve none of this, yet, He keeps dishin out so much good to me. LOVE IT!! I just want to make others happy, Can you go to college for that? Happy college? Where you are trained in the fine art of making people happy? I wanna go there.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

EMOtioNS are SuCh a SCarY thriLL ride SOmetIMes.

So, the picture above is of my friend Steph. Stephanie took me to the movies tonight. The reason I say she took me is cuz i still have no license. So, she was the responsible driver. Isn't she beautiful? And smart too. This girl has a bright future. Forshizzle. Anyways, we saw Casino Royal. pretty good. After the movie i went home and did some fundraising. It was great, my friends are becoming more and more active as time passes. It is really exciting, and what a "spirit booster."
So, after some lil fundraising i was thinking of how i could really draw in some cash. BAM! I thought of Starbucks. Then i thought of my friend Clint who works at one of the Starbucks in Fort Wayne. Just so happens tonight was the night that Starbucks was opening their newest store. Right outside of Fort Wayne, in a little town called Auburn. Well, God was definately with me, and i got introduced to a lady named Pam Kessie. Pam is the Dristrict Manager of Starbucks. Wow, I told her my story, and what was going on right now. She loved it. Not only did she love it, she even seemed a little excited. So, this is what is happening. She has invited me to a meeting on Feb. 15th. I believe all the managers from all 8 starbucks locations in fort wayne will be there. She said she will introduce me, and on that date, i will have a sheet with a selection of ideas for fundraising. I am really excited! I see good things coming my way in the future from starbucks.

Okay, now about the emotional roller coaster. My best friend. We will call him xavior. lets call him Xavior Demmand. like a week and a half ago we went out to wings on a Monday. We talked about a lot of stuff. I thought everything was cool. When we get together, it is verbal free time. Meaning, you say whats on your heart. Well, Xavior has a lot on his heart right now. He has a lot of shitty circumstances also. Lemme give you a little background information on Xavior. I would die for him in a heartbeat. I have more respect for this man, then is probably healthy. But, It seems like on that monday we conversed, i must of done something horribly wrong. So, what happens? Time goes by, a week goes by. I am calling Xavior every day. on his cell, at his house, voicemail after voicemail after voicemail. I am getting worried. I call his friends, I have to get his friends to tell me whats up with him. Now, this is my best friend sense i could pee straight. He wouldn't call me back. Or even attempt at getting in touch with me. So, he goes to my one of my other friends houses, and i call the other friend. I get them to give Xavior the phone. I finally say.... So what the hell is goin on? pretty much, he told me i made him feel like shit the last time we talked. He told me i was being very demeining. And that i was talking "down" to him the whole time. WOW! it came completely out of Left Field...... I got that feeling in my chest that you get, like.....ohh i know. When you have a crush on a girl for a long long time. You get the balls to go up to her and tell her, and you see some guy you really hate kiss her, and grab her ass. Your heart like gets shreaded up. Thats how i felt. I didn't know what to do or say.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Moving Right Along

It's amazing how God places the most perfect people in your life, and the most perfect times. Sometimes, you get people in your life, you never thought you would ever want to have in your life. So, Today was pretty cool. I talked to someone from News Sentinental, i am hoping i will hear back from her tomorrow. If not, i will call again. I made money today. All is well.

Anyways, more Good news. My homepage is up and running on the NTAF website.
Check it out, then Sign the "Guestbook!"

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Wonderful Day I had Today.

Today was really good. It started off pretty slow, cuz i didn't sleep a wink last night. I have not been sleeping because the medication I have been taking(Amitriptyline 50mg) was making me gain weight like it was goin out of style. So, i had to put and end to it. :+( Sadly that means i had to put an end to having wonderful sleep every night. I mean i was sleeping so so so good on that stuff, I would Enter the final stage of sleep. REM<>or Rapid Eye Movement, this is the stage of sleep where you dream, and is the part of sleep that your body gains the most happiness from. I miss it so much, so what do i do? I write E-mails, and I try to get people to give me funding. It is more progressive than laying in bed for 5 hours wishing my mind would let me pass OUT!!!! Anyways, enough complaining.

Okay, So above is a picture of a group of people I was going to help raise money for M/S with. But, turns out i have my own lil project......ok i guess we can call it a rather large project.I have to raise $100,000.oo If i want to get a Stem Cell Transplant. The reason i say that is because it is looking like the Insurance Company is going to get out of paying for it. Little **&% (*&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;%* *(&^*&^!!!!!!!!! man, i really don't want to get started on how much I hate the huge corperations that run this Pathetic place we call U.S.A. ughhhhhhhhh. Srry, i am definately going to shut up

So, Bill G. invited me to come to this meeting, we talked about fundraising, and hints, ideas, etc. It was pretty much an open Forum. I enjoyed it very much.....Also It kind of scared me. I was sitting in there 20 years old, and diagnosed 2 years prior. There was grown men in there who can't hardly walk....It just motivated me that much more. I need this Stem Cell Transplant, otherwise i will end up like that. I am not saying God can't use me in a wheel chair, i am just saying i want to do anything and everything in my power to keep that from happening.

So, I need people who want to help me accomplish this goal.
The two papers above are all someone would need in order to pledge money to my cause. It is called NTAF Great Lakes Stem Cell Transplant Fund: In Honor of Mikey Riley. The top page pertain's information concerning how any contributed money is a direct tax write off. The bottom paper is the pledge form. You can contribute by personal check, or credit card. All donations go directly into an account already started in NTAF's system. Currently I am working on creating a home page on NTAF's web site. This will be a specific area designated to informing about my situation.

If I am important to you. Please print off some copies of these papers. Pass them out, share them with co-workers, parents, bosses, neighbors, boyfriends, girlfriends, get your friends to pass them out. Help me be proactive. I beg this.

God Bless,


Monday, January 22, 2007

To Congressman Mark Souder

The Honorable Mark E. Souder Member, U.S. House of Representatives3105 Federal Building 1300 S. Harrison StreetFort Wayne, Indiana 46802
Dear Congressman Souder:

My name is Mike Riley, and I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in July of 2005. I am 20 years old, and I have already seen the devastating effect of the disease. MS can affect anything and everything neurological; from a slight speech impediment to such a severe case of vertigo that you can’t walk or see straight for weeks. I have lived with this disease my whole life, but only recently that I have been able to see the disease lay an aggressive and permanent course. The definition of Multiple Sclerosis is “Many Scars.” The scars I refer to are the lesions in my brain and spinal cord. MS is an autoimmune disease that attacks a thin, protective protein layer, called myelin. The nerve can be likened to an electrical cable; the axon, or nerve fiber that transmits the nerve impulse can be compared to a wire, and the myelin sheath is the insulation around the wire. Myelin is present in both the central nervous system and the peripheral nervous system, but it is only the destruction of central nervous system myelin, that produces the symptoms of M/S.
I believe with all my heart, that if I continue the traditional treatments I am currently using, it will only slightly deter the course of the MS. When I was first diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, I started on an Interferon beta-1a medication known as Rebif. I was given Rebif injections three times a week however, one of the largely diagnosed side effects of Rebif is depression. I would sink into deep fits of depression; the drug changed who I was as a person. I hated the feeling of being down all the time, and I felt uncomfortable when my doctor would prescribe anti-depressants. I used Rebif for nine months. During those nine months, I had numerous exacerbations. I was scared for my future, and I knew the Rebif was not doing what it was suppose to be doing. After my doctor agreed that the Rebif was not working as we had hoped it would, I was put on another Interferon beta-1a medication. This medication was Avonex, the number one prescribed MS therapy. Once again, after being on this treatment for months, I had flair up’s. Not only did I experience flair up’s, or short lived MS attacks, but I was also hospitalized in the Emergency Room with a full-blown exacerbation, where the vertigo worsened. I couldn’t shake the violent fits of vomiting. I never know what to expect; I could wake up tomorrow and not be able to walk. I hate that feeling.
I know there is no cure for Multiple Sclerosis. I also know that if I don’t attempt a treatment outside of what is traditionally practiced, I will be in a wheel chair at a young age. I have so much to offer. Northwestern Memorial, hospital in Chicago, offers an autologous hematopoietic stem cell transplant. This treatment may offer me a different future although, I do understand the treatment offers no guarantees. I also know that Stem Cell research will some day cure a whole list of autoimmune diseases. God has opened too many doors for me to turn away from this treatment. I know in my heart that this is what I need, and I am excited to start treatment. My father’s health insurance, Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield has denied funding this treatment three times. I am currently committed with fundraising through NTAF (National Transplant Assistance Fund). Please consider my request to make this treatment possibility a reality by supporting stem cell research.

I would welcome any other assistance or support you may have to offer.

Mikey Riley

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Shots, Church, and Snow.

Okay, today started off like this. Me making tons of phone calls and sending a bunch of text messages. Friggin Joke! No one could/would take me to pathways. It kind of sucked, but I seriously don't think God wanted me to go to Church today. It was a friggin joke, but i wasn't laughing. Ohh well. Also, today it was snowing, we got some accumulation. So, you'd think i would go into work and make some money doing snow removal right??? WRONG!!!! They didn't even call me in. I was a little angered, but nothing too bad. Okay, so we moved a desk from Boxed Delites, to the house. And now i have a nice little work station.

Pretty friggin cool if U ask me.

Okay, so i have to get an inner muscular shot once a week. It is a medication for M/S called Interferon Beta1a, I hate them so much. But i have to keep taking them because the doctors tell me i have to. They don't even friggin work...............ughhh frustration.

Look at those things. AHHHHHH! I can't even give it to myself. For some reason, my body won't let me. SO, my mom has to give them to me. Tonight wasn't very fun, cuz sometimes she thinks about it too much, and doesn't do a good job at all. Tonight, she stuck it in way to slow. It started bleeding like crazy and it immideatly started turning into a huge bruise, my leg is so sore. OUCHY! It's ok mom, it was an accident, and it really doesn't bother me that much. I still Love ya. ;+)

Okay, my friend Matt K. showed me this thing. It is like a super suite for our military men. It is seriously like something right out of Halo. Maybe even Halo II. I am not kidding, this is a real thing in testing for real military!! I am not going to waste my time talking about it, but if you want more information on it, you should check out this link. It is seriously pretty friggin bad azz. http://www.hamiltonspectator.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=hamilton/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1168470616997&call_pageid=1020420665036&col=1014656511815

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Today is SATurDAY

You know why saturday is called saturday?

I will tell you, cuz it is a secret that some people just can't get a grasp of. On Saturdays you are suppose to sit around all day. lemme show you. satURday AWAY. GET IT? people need to understand that if you want to lay around all day and sleep or eat or watch t.v. you should be able to do that. I am on a mission to tell everyone that saturdays are days where you can be FREE TO DO WHAT YOU WANT, HOW YOU WANT, WHEN YOU WANT.

Friday, January 19, 2007

fight the good fight

I can feel it inside me. I can feel my hands tremble, and I know it's real. So, without trying to sugar coat it i accept it. The m/s is taking my life away. As horrible as it sounds, it's true. I am going to fight to keep myself on this planet. To spread joy, and make people happy with who they are. Thats what being a christian is all about. I love it. I love God, and wow. I am this much closer to a Stem Cell Transplant. Lets hope that is what is really best for me. But deep down i believe it is.

A day at Lane

Okay, so today i decided to mix it up. I went to school with my dad. It was great, i love going to school with him. It's fun to see him at work. And i understand why he loves his job. It has to be extremely satisfying to be able to feel like you accomplished something every day. Even if it was making kids line up and shoot basketballs. It was great.

So, First official business is to go to the teachers lounge, and eat food. I find this is probably the most important part of the day. You nourish yourself, and shoot the shit with your teacher buddies. Ohhh, and to the Leo croud, that man in the Orange Striped shirt is Mr. Drew! The Band Teacher from Leo. He now teaches at the same school as my dad. He is very cool. I love getting a chance to converse with him. It makes me feel mature. I have grown up a lot. I am glad he can see that in me. :+)
After the meeting and initial eating of food is over, the boss lady A.K.A. Principal came to give a little pep talk. she was pretty profesional about herself. And pretty pleasing on the eye, am i right??? It was an action shot, i almost missed her. But i got her right in the nick of time. he he, i should be a detective.
So, all was well at Lane Today.
After my visiting time was over, my mom picked me up, and we went to Boxed Delites to finish bringing stuff up from the basement, and made the transition from boxed delites stuff, to home stuff. comprende? Si!!

National Transplant Assistance Fund

Thursday, January 18, 2007

For the Ladies

Bundle of Anxious Frustration

Okay, i worked on my Vegas Movie i created using all the pictures and video recordings i got off my phone and 35mm camera. It was really cool too. I used a movie editing program called Pinnacle Studio 9. Holy shit has it frustrated me. Seriously like i probably spent somewhere like 10 hours making this thing. Then i finally get it finished, and i try to convert it into a format so normal computers can read it. It honestly took near 7 hours. I dunno why, so once it was finally finished i was excited and i pressed play....................there was no SOUND!!!!!! wow, i can say i was a little pissed. Okay, get it, bad mood i was in. So, i decided i was fat, and i wanted to run. I seriously spent more time syching myself into a running state of mind.

So, would you like to know what i did? Well, first i put on plenty of nerdy looking jogging clothes. Then i got my phone and wireless headphones. Then i went into the garage, and played some music to PUMP ME UP! I did some stretches so i wouldn't pull any muscles. I was totally ready. I even did 5 laps in my back yard. Ohhhh boy it was really something! So, once i felt i was stretched and hydrated, i started jogging on the sidewalk in my neighborhood. I am not fit. Prolly even a little fat. I am going to keep doing this though. Some form of exercise. I don't smoke pot, I don't drink, not even cig's. I need to lose the gut, then i will be a sexy maniac. I'm sure of it. Wish me luck(no heart attacks).
M/S Update
Today i got a packete from the NTAF(National Transplant Assistance Fund) It is an organization that pretty much backs people trying to raise money for a transplant(ME). It is good, because when i go to someone and tell them my whole speal, instead of me saying uhhh yea write that check out to me, i can say "all checks payable to bla bla bla" get it? It's very good. Also, i started working on a letter to Mark Sauder(congressional represenatitive) The letter to him pretty much says.........hey give me money, or hey make my insurance company give me money.
This is all great to me. I like making money, now i can use all those hustling skills i have aquired over the years for something productive. Possibly even life saving. "knock on wood"

Monday, January 15, 2007


I have been looking for this poem for a while now. The poem is titled "I AM" I remember it very well. I wrote it in Mr. Artherhults English class. It meant a lot to me at the time I wrote it. Anyways, enjoy. It is dated 08/03

I AM changed and I am different, but will anyone ever know?
I WONDER when I sleep at night if what I do will show.
I HEAR the people all around; they shout his name without a care.
I SEE them hurting way down deep their pain is much to bare. Can I stand up and preach your love and tell them my God is there?
I AM changed and I am different, but will anyone ever know?
I PRETEND to act like I am someone i'm not, you always let me see, how foolish I am, and how selfish I act, and bring me to my knees.
I FEEL your loving presence and I strive to be like you.
When I pray I TOUCH your hand, and feel your love is true.
I WORRY they won't hear the truth and I know what I must do.
I CRY for the wicked that hate you and I want to bring them through, the never-ending tunnel, which Satan brought them to.
I AM changed and I am different, but will anyone ever know?
I UNDERSTAND the Bible and I know it teaches truth.
I SAY I love the Lord, my God, but am I living proof?
I DREAM of your Heaven, and can hardly wait to walk down the street's of gold.
I TRY to be a witness, but sometimes i'm just not that bold.
I HOPE I share with all who must be told, for everyone can have his grace, men and women, young and old.
I AM changed and I am different, but will anyone ever know?

today was much better

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBC_KNI7qv0 This is rigidly funny!

Okay, so after I was done feeling bad for myself last night, I fell asleep and stayed asleep until 2:00 p.m. today. Lemme tell you, it felt great. All today, I was in high spirits, and I dunno, I felt content with waiting. Waiting for snow so I can work. (snow removal) Waiting for a Stem cell transplant, so I can live a normal life. And waiting for someone to come into my life who likes what they see, and wants to be my life companion. (girlfriend)

Seriously, I was very content today. It's really easy to do too. The first and most important step you have to take is pray. After you pray, you have to trust that he will provide. I think that is the hardest part, and the step most people struggle with. I think people, excuse me, Christians can pray with some what ease. It's when we have to trust that God will provide that strikes as a huge task. I think the mindset goes as follows..... "Okay I am unhappy, the bible tells me to pray, ok I will do what the bible says, because the pastor at church says so." And I think for most people that is enough. Well, I pray now, and know God will answere. He always does, definitely not on my time schedule. But he always provides. Therefore, I wait. I don't wait with a really anxious feeling of discontent. I wait knowing that my God is much much bigger than my worldly issues. If I believe in my heart that Christ parted the Red Sea. Then of course I will, “with out a doubt” believe he will take care of my anxious mind. It’s like that.

There is nothing wrong with feeling down once in a while.
That is a part of sin.
And sin is a part of life.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Figuered it out!!!

Got IT!!! i figuered out what can bring me out of the slums i have been struggling in lately. I was watching a t.v. show on the history channel about Revelations, or the end of times. I just thought about how absloutly amazing HEAVEN is going to be. WOW, that one cheers me right up, almost makes me excited. That alone is some serious motovation to........well to be a disciple of Christ. Great, i am lovin it. ;+)

Gimme a break

Okay, i did not like today. To be perfectly honest i am feeling really down. It's like my whole life is on "pause" for this Stem-Cell transplant. I was almost gettin a lil depressed. It's like this. If i had my way I would definately not be living with my parents in Fort Wayne. Now, i am treated like a king in this house, i have everything i could ever want, and then some. But you know the old saying, "home is where the heart is?" Well, my heart is not here. My heart isn't even in this state. I need to be on my own, i need to experience life at my own pace. I got pretty down today, not like scary depressed, like I wanna go smoke a joint kinda feeling. As soon as i felt that urge, i prayed. It worked, but i still don't want to be here. Pretty much i am just having a pitty party. Who knows what God has in sotore for me. I mean really, i know it will be crazy. It always is. He never lets me down. ;+)

my eyes hurt

Wow, you wanna talk aobut commitment? So what, i do. Okay, so i have been working on this movie i started when i got back from Vegas. I took all the still pictures, and all the video files, and have put them all in a format that my computer can recognize. It is such a daunting task, copy print, clip, listen, rewind, save............and so on and so forth. It is so tedious. But, in the end i hope that it will all come together really well, and i can send DVD's to my buddies, and we can pop it in anytime we need a reminder of how much fun we had. Last night i almost had a break down. I have been working on this stupid thing for what seems an eternity. Last night, or this morning after like a 4 hour stretch, the screen acted up, and everything went green:-() ....... ........... I laughed at first, then buried my head in the pillow and screamed explicit words. But, i am cought back up to where i had it, and that is really good. I am smiling today, and i guess i'm doin alright. The sun's still shining when i close my eyes.......................

Friday, January 12, 2007

the frustration continues.

I get so worked up inside. Okay, so I am kind of frustrated with my circumstance right now. Not even that I have m/s, just that I have to live at home and be very unsatisfied. Like, right now my life is kind of in limbo. This is why: I have a very aggressive form of multiple sclerosis. And because of that, I can either keep on the medication that isn’t working, or I can get this stem cell transplant. Either way there are no promises. But here is the hard part. I feel like I am friggin stuck at home. I want nothing more than to be out of my parents house. I had a taste of freedom, and I loved it. I mean I royally screwed it up, but I loved being out of the house and making my own decisions. I feel like I can’t leave the house because if I do, then some how I will lose my dads insurance, then I can’t pay for the medicine’s that aren’t working. Are you starting to see why I am so frustrated inside? Also, when something bothers me, it really effects more than one aspect of my life. The more I stress out about stuff, the worse my M/S gets. Living at home is like a double edge sword. Ahhhh! It is all simple stupid stuff, things I know god can take care of. I just need to wine. Poor me. Ok, I feel a little better now.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

still got that feeling.

Man, this frustration thing has got to stop. Okay, I come from a home where i have always been extremely loved, and taken care of 10 fold. That isn't why i am so frustrated. I just don't belong in Fort Wayne. I am looking for an out, but i know i am stuck here untill the transplant, then 8-12 months after that. Part of me wants to fold his arms and yell THATS NOT FAIR! Then the other part of me says, hey stupid, why don't you just trust that God has everything in control. Once i realize that, and then i look to my past and see all the other absloutly amazing things God has blessed me with, I wake up with a smile. It's really true, With God, the good always out weighs the bad. At lease if you really got him in your heart, and you trust him with every aspect of that heart. See, all i had to do is write it down in my "blog" and boom, i am smiling again, ;+)

Wait, now that i am back to a normal "i'm in Fort Wayne, IN. state of mind" I am kind of frustrated again. It's so easy to not trust God. Now, i didn't say trusting God is heard, i just said it's so easy not to trust him. It is so simple to make up excuses for why we are unhappy. It's odd pathetic really. God has done so much in my life. God has done everything in my life. I mean some of the things these eyes have seen are pretty incredible. And i can get cought up in the moment of, selfishness. I always try to make it all about me. like a baby i cry out; common god, what are you doing. I question him constantly. I really need to work on that. Cuz, actually, everytime i do trust him over my own instinct, i am much much happier. I don't need the things i long for. All i really need to do is trust God. And really, if you do trust god with everything, you get what you want. And truely think about what is waiting for you. If you are a Christian, when you get through the struggle of life, you have heaven waiting for you. In the bible, God teaches us that he createc us to worship him. Ya see, we were created to love Christ. So no matter what happens, if you can just keep talking yourself into trusting him every day for the rest of your human life, man will you have a good life. No matter what. You could have 1 eye, 1 leg, and no arms, and still be able to love life every day. God is so powerful and amazing, he can turn the most horrible and horrific things into blessings. It sounds crazy, but it really isn't. In my head right now i am telling myself over and over again. It's not crazy mikey, it really isn't, nothing is crazy about trusting God. kindness, and favor. It is derived from a word that means to bend or stoop in kindness to an inferior, with the purpose of bestowing favor. the old testament defines grace as kindness, and favor. It is derived from a word that means to bend or stoop in kindness to an inferior, with the purpose of bestowing favor.

I have one other thing on my mind. I'm confused, God brought this person into my life, and ever sense then, he has been allowing the most amazing things to happen. I mean really mind twisting circumstances. I know God is in it, but…………..but there are so many unanswered questions. I know I need to trust him. Sometimes, I just need to vocalize my thoughts. thankyou blog

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

easy going.

So, today was pretty chill. Not much on the agenda. I was a little frustrated earlier, i think because i am just in a waiting period. There isn't much i can do at this point to be proactive about the stem cell transplant. It is pretty much up to the "big wigs" to decide. I know it sounds stupid, or foolish, but i almost the insurance company would just say NO WAY IN HELL ARE WE GOING TO COVER IT! That way i could take off, metaphorically speaking. I need something to do. I get so friggin bord at home. I believe this may be a test in patience? Not horribly sure, but i am okay with it. I don't really have much to talk about. I went to my friend Bruce's house this evening, he gave me a really cool software program that i can make a pretty cool movie with. That will be real fun.

M/S Update:
There is really no new news. I was having some kind of "flair up" yesterday, but it was pretty insignificant. pray pray pray.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

I'm friggin tired, but can't sleep.

can't sleep, so i thought i could look for pictures that make me sleepy.

happy tuesday.

I don't much feel like writing, i believe i will just say that i had a great time with my mom this morning, we talked to kate(main nurse@Northwestern) it was good, and i am happy with that. Jessica is awesome, and makes me feel all cozy inside...................just kidding........................not really. or am i? you confused yet? me too.


your so so good

I surrender my all. Yeppers, all for you my main man. i surrender my eyes, my ears, my future, my past, my sins, my happiness, i surrender my everything. I surrender my friends, even jared, i surrender my lesbian sister, i surrender my biological syster, and her fiance. JOHN LUSTER, coolest mo-fo from cally you ever did meet. I surrender my old dog, Jackson Bean Riley.....I love you jackson, you tought me so much, and you were just a silly happy golden retriever. I surrender my relationships in the pasts, i surrender my relationships in the future, i surrender that vacation that i havn't been on yet, but i have my woman with me, there is a lot of sand, and ummmmm i think a strawberry dackerie...........my fav. drink. what else do i surrender? lemme tell you, i surrender mike gann, and his girl kaitlyn. I surrender Kimi Gibson, Matt Kern, Derrick Maranca, i surrender all the really horrible teachers in my past who didn't teach me a damn thing!!!!!! surendered, done, good, lets move on. I surrender alcohol, i surrender marijuana, i surrender oxy, dxm, dmt, vicodin, meth, uppers downers, shrooms, little asian women........................WHAT ELSE?!?!?!?!? I surrender my doctors, my nurses, i surrender the ouchy needles they always want to put in my arm. I surrender the blood in my veins, i surrender Jessica, i surrender planes, i surrender pepsi cola, and cheeze, and crackers, and kind gestures that will never be forgotton. I surrender ease droppers, and toilets.............my goodness what else can there be??? I surrender Ben Allen, mitchell burns, ashley schaffer, and alex e, and ryan e. i surrender jared....................duh thats a no brainer..............................garry, anger, pride, resentment, forgiveness, happiness, love, computers, porn, child molesters, killers, robbers, lovers, happy happy happy happy thoughts, i surrender those too. ;+) wink wink nudge nudge. I surrender Jack black, and tyler morningstar(long live the INDIANS) i surrender real estate, and bruce helton(my good buddy who has a nice car, and is really good with computers.) i surrender his mom, and her mom, and her grate aunt shela who lost her hearing in the 4th grade, and the kids always made fun of her cuz her voice was a little bit different than everyone else.........and it was sad, but she was such a sweet person. HOW DARE THEY JUDGE HER?!?!?!?!? I surrender peter kim, andy e, jacob kim, and canterbury apartments............i surrender waking up naked in a hall way confused and a little dizzy.............why do i smell like chestnuts????? I surrender al, carin, johnny, and vegas in general. I surrender every sad sole/hooker that romes the streets every day tryin to make a buck....................you deserve so much better girls. I surrender that guy who pointed out my shaky legs in front of everyone and made me feel like an ass, and i surrender the nasty comment i made about him behind his back. I surrender long crazy hallways, and i surrender cronik????? wait....................omg that is cronic?!?!?!?!? suites? tables? VIP WHAT? I surrender nick, and tyler b., olivia, their parents, travis s., i surrender the truck that i smashed into the pole. I even surrender the truck i stole when i was really drunk and on mushrooms then took it on some railroad tracks, destroyed it, left it, walked to house, got dropped off.............i surrender everything i ever stole....................bad habbit, but almost an addiction, just like anything else. I surrender sex, i surrender sexy, i surrender blond hair blue eyes, 5'11", i surrender fitness, i surrender children, i surrender future happiness...........everything i am thinking of god. i want to surrender to you. take it all please. thankyou, good morning, good night, all that stuff...........................Man i really need that stem cell transplant....................................i surrender money i don't have, money i do have, i surrender chris heidenreich...................what a name huh???i think it is german, or at least has german roots. I surrender a woman coming into my life and making me feel like i have been reborn. thankyou god, thankyou mom, dad, mer, brandy, john.............everything

i surrender
i surrender
i surrender, i surrender sololover
hey, i even surrender masturbation!!!!!!!! oops, i said it, sorry.....no i'm not.
i surrender blue sky's, and love and emotions, and infertilness, and possiblilties....................i surrender everything i care about, and everything i will care about in the future. all of it.


Monday, January 08, 2007

living life to the fullest, on the edge, hardcore till the day i die.

Yo, i am me. me is mikey. mikey is real. i live the way i live because i want to. i am confident. i am strong. i will no longer live because i feel presured to live. i am free.

Okay, so today i woke up on my own accord. This suprised me because i thought my mom was going to wake me up super early, so i could help her at boxed delites.

So, my day started off with a little dental inspection/cleaning. Doc. says i got a good set of teeth, and a big mouth. Okay okay, stop laughing.
So, here is a picture getting my teeth scratched a lil bit. She done did me a good job. Me teeth are nice and happy. :+)

Man, i am a stud huh?

Okay, so after dentist issues were resolved, my mom picked me up and off to boxed delites i went. It was awesome cuz i was having fun, and i got to play with big knives and cut stuff in half.
I got to cut all kinds of things, such as apples, peaches, onions, peppers, and so on and so forth. It was great, i had fun and my mother and i enjoyed each others presence.After that, i went out to eat with my best buddy jared. It was a lof of fun, we talked our friend derrick into coming out and enjoying some wings with us. Great Time!!! I am always enlightened after i get to have an intelectual conversation with Jared. Truely a good man.

M/S Update:
Okay, now for my least favorite part of the blog, the m/s update. As of now we are giving the insurance company our last appeal. This is the appeal where doc. Burt(guy who thought up stem cell transplant for m/s) talks to the head money spender at Anthem. Who knows what will happen, only God i suppose. Good enough for me. So, as far as how is the m/s? well, i had an attack yesterday, it was so crazy, it lasted about 4 hours, i got voilently ill, and lots of diareah, like uncontrolled bowels. Not fun, then just as fast as it came on, it was gone. Very neat situation. I saw got next to me the whole time.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Hello, michael here, i am working for christ. How may I help you?

God is so friggin awesome. Okay, so i was having a bad little m/s attack today, it was odd cuz it only lasted like 4 or 5 hours, then it was completely gone. very odd, and very scary, pretty grose too. I really hate M/S!!!!!!!!!

anyways, God turned something really bad into something really good. WOW WOW WOW WOW, he is so good to me. If you want to know the story get in touch with me, i will tell ya, it is pretty amazing how God works in your life when you want him to. :+) :+) :+)
That paragraph above gets 3 smiley faces because it is so true, so friggin true.

LOVE YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE THE LEADER OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!THANKS FOR MY VEGAS EXPERIENCE< THAT WAS PRETTY COOL!!!!!!!!! p.s. if you want to get in touch with me you can do one of the following
a: call me on my cell (260)433-2543 ~i prefer this method~
b: send me a text message (260)433-1543
c: send me an E-mail mobileRILEY@gmail.com
d: Pray really hard that i call you, this method actually works, it's pretty amazing, but just try it. Pray really really hard that i get it put on my heart that you want me to call you, and i will. Promise. ;+)


Saturday, January 06, 2007

Drama Drama Drama

There is always drama in my life. If it isn't my mom telling me i am fat, then it is a friend acting crazy on drugs. I tell you what, i can't hide from drama any more than a honey bee can hide from sweet sweet rose bushes. Ohhhh boy, anyways.......I slept all day, a very uncomfortable sleep none the less. I have been hot hot hot. It is my core body temperature. Now, Doc. Kolar at the indiana center for m/s WOULD tell you it is because we havn't taken enough pills, and we just need to take more pills, more more more pills. I would tell you it is because i have m/s and i need a stem cell transplant. Who is right???? I guess we could wait till we die and ask God, but why wait that long? and why mess with death and all it's messyness.

I found out today that my cousin cassie is pregnent again. This will be the 3rd one by the same ass hole. Ohhhh, the other day the babies daddy came over, broke the restraining order, and attacked cassies dad. Cassie's mom hit him with a bat, and the cops came and took him away. Some girls just don't learn. I don't get it, she knows he is an ass hole, but she continues to let him stick it in her?!?!?!?!? anyone else confused? This man, wait this nigger, is violent, and just an excused for life. Yet, he can create 2 beautiful girls. Very beautiful girls. Who knows what is cookin in the oven. It is sad, i love cassie, but i hate it when she makes horrible decisions. Kind of like my sister merideth, i love her to death, but i hate her decisions. It is very frustrating.I have been very frustrated lately. With my everything!!!!!!

Friday, January 05, 2007

Viva Las FUN!!!!!!

Ya ever hear the old "saying" a picture is worth a thousand words? well, i am a firm believer in this saying and i am going to save myself about 27 thousand words. Enjoy the vegas picture show.

we were driving to see the hoover dam in this picture above.

below this is a slightly blurry picture of the Blue Men. There was fungus amungus.
this beautiful blonde woman below is Jessica. I met jessica on the plane from Vegas to Minisota. It was so much fun to talk with her, i pretty much gave her my life story, and just tried to be a good person. She is a fitness trainer in vegas, and is going to make a man very lucky some day.

The hoover dam was so awesome, and so so so so friggin huge!!
Below is a picture of Drake, i think his name was drake, I let him play a basketball game on the PSP my friend let me borrow, he was black. He was my friend.

Above is the circus casino, and below is an awesome painting on a cealing, it was so friggin beautiful.

These were 2 beautiful asian women standing in front of my heroes. The Blue Men!!!
This was a huge ass fish, look at it!!!! friggin huge.
I had so much fun in vegas, almost too much fun. wait, i take that back. U can never have too much fun. My two good buddies Mike & Garry made this possible, we both had so many unique amazing stories, i couldn't possibly tell them all. I have amazing memories in my head, and some pretty cool pictures in my phone and camera, i havn't even gotten those bad boys developed, maybe i will get the pictures from my camera developed onto a disc.