Tuesday, January 19, 2010
peace amongst difficulty
I followed through with an amazingly difficult decision. This could have been one of the hardest decisions I have had to make yet. I ended my relationship with Janice this morning. Oh my goodness it broke me.
It needed to be done. As I talked about a couple of posts ago, you can not live someone else's life for them. And you can't drag someone down a path they haven't chosen to go down on their own, and think the outcome will be pleasant. I love Janice in a mighty way! But, I Love the Lord far more. Without going too specific on my exact reasoning, because I want to be able to respect where Janice is at. I will just say this. We are both at two very different places. And in order for me to continue to do what God has called me to do, I must stay vigilant in all areas of my life. I was starting to show signs of physical, spiritual, and emotional stress because of my relationship with Janice. She is a wonderful woman, and when I say I love her, I mean it. I gave her a big ole piece of my heart. Darn if that doesn't make this incredibly difficult. It was the right decision though. I knew this because after I got out of my 6-8:45pm class, I went to Campus Crusades, and did some praying and worshiping, God soothed my heart, and I felt the peace that only He can provide. Then my brothers and sisters in Christ really helped me to know without a shadow of doubt, that I am doing the right thing.I really did lose someone extremely important to me today. I lost someone I love. Not because of some horrible action, or because of anger or anything. But because I knew it had to be done. That for "us" staying together would cause more problems and even worse heart ache down the road. I am being obedient, but it doesn't make the pain any less. I love Janice. But, I had to let her go, so that she find on her own, through an inward desire to seek what is right, not because I am there pushing her in the right direction, all the while struggling and slipping myself. That is not what Christ calls us to do in relationships. DAMNIT IT HURTS THOUGH!
Now I ask myself, what do I do now? What do I do with all the pictures and memories and stories that are so fresh in my mind? Goodness, I didn't want to leave California. It will be so difficult for me to continue to move forward in these next weeks to come. I mean, like to really stick to my decision that I know is right. Wow, today sucked so bad at first. Then I allowed God to come in, and things started to get a whole lot better. That is where it all lies. In trusting in His unfailing love. That is all that matters.