Tuesday, January 19, 2010

peace amongst difficulty

I followed through with an amazingly difficult decision. This could have been one of the hardest decisions I have had to make yet. I ended my relationship with Janice this morning. Oh my goodness it broke me.

It needed to be done. As I talked about a couple of posts ago, you can not live someone else's life for them. And you can't drag someone down a path they haven't chosen to go down on their own, and think the outcome will be pleasant. I love Janice in a mighty way! But, I Love the Lord far more. Without going too specific on my exact reasoning, because I want to be able to respect where Janice is at. I will just say this. We are both at two very different places. And in order for me to continue to do what God has called me to do, I must stay vigilant in all areas of my life. I was starting to show signs of physical, spiritual, and emotional stress because of my relationship with Janice. She is a wonderful woman, and when I say I love her, I mean it. I gave her a big ole piece of my heart. Darn if that doesn't make this incredibly difficult. It was the right decision though. I knew this because after I got out of my 6-8:45pm class, I went to Campus Crusades, and did some praying and worshiping, God soothed my heart, and I felt the peace that only He can provide. Then my brothers and sisters in Christ really helped me to know without a shadow of doubt, that I am doing the right thing.
I really did lose someone extremely important to me today. I lost someone I love. Not because of some horrible action, or because of anger or anything. But because I knew it had to be done. That for "us" staying together would cause more problems and even worse heart ache down the road. I am being obedient, but it doesn't make the pain any less. I love Janice. But, I had to let her go, so that she find on her own, through an inward desire to seek what is right, not because I am there pushing her in the right direction, all the while struggling and slipping myself. That is not what Christ calls us to do in relationships. DAMNIT IT HURTS THOUGH!

Now I ask myself, what do I do now? What do I do with all the pictures and memories and stories that are so fresh in my mind? Goodness, I didn't want to leave California. It will be so difficult for me to continue to move forward in these next weeks to come. I mean, like to really stick to my decision that I know is right. Wow, today sucked so bad at first. Then I allowed God to come in, and things started to get a whole lot better. That is where it all lies. In trusting in His unfailing love. That is all that matters.


Vice-Commissioner Lister said...

Extremely tough decision. I respect that you looked to God to help make it for the right reasons. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

only you know what is right for you, and i respect you for making a tough decision like this.. you seemed so very happy on your trip and with all that you were doing, then got home and it all changed.. odd.. i would only suggest to be more open to differant ideas and not give in to relationships that are a challenge.. you have to work and sacrifice for good things to come your way in life and relationships.. but, once again, only you know what is best and my heart go's out to you and to janice too because it seems like a real lost opportunity for you both...