How I have learned to grieve.
Once we found out about our sweet baby girl, Louisa, I started to grieve my expectations. They didn't flood my heart all at once but they came in waves. I had written a letter to my daughter during this pregnancy that I would give to her on her wedding day. My heart ached because I couldn't picture our baby. I had dreams of her but I never saw her face. Would she swim on a swim team? Would she excel in school? Would she be able to go to a mainstream classroom? I was also very sad and very scared that my little girl would need open heart surgery. I pictured this little tiny body on an operating table. They are going to have to cut into her tiny body to repair her tiny heart. My soul was not well, my soul was overwhelmed with sadness, with devastation.
I have started reading Crabb, L.(2001) Shattered Dreams: God's unexpected Path to Joy. This book was recommended to us by a pastor from our church. I have found it to be extremely encouraging. This book has allowed me to breath and live in the discomfort of pain. Crabb asked the reader to read through Ruth and focus on Naomi and her suffering. Naomi did not apologize for her grief and pain, not only that, but she said in Ruth 1:20-21 "Don't call me Naomi," she told them. "Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me." She was devastated. I am sure people did not want to be around her because of her honesty. Naomi did not try to put up a front and be someone she was not. Naomi was emotional and her heart was in pain. She was in a state of darkness.
World's misconception of griefCrabb talks about two unwritten rules that surface in our response to one who hurts. First, mourning has a time limit. Second, we think there is a proper way to mourn. Ugly battles should remain out of sight. Acceptable battles may be shared, but only if we season our account with hope.
During this time of grief Mike would say to me and others, "we are going to choose to glorify the Lord in this situation." I remember thinking, I want that, I want that so badly, but I don't feel that. I don't want it to be her. Why does God have to use our innocent child at the expense of others? Why can't he give me cancer instead? It hurts my heart to hear those words now but they are truly what I felt. I tried bargaining with God begging him to take this away from her and giving it to me. I will do anything if you just protect her from this Lord. Mike and I also shared with each other openly about some of the dark and ugly thoughts we had experienced. We confessed to one another the anger and bitterness we were rebuking on this sinful world. We talked through God's redemptive mercy and admitted worship felt too heavy to pick up. Grief may not seem beautiful especially when you are experiencing the callous pain but I believe with my whole heart it is necessary.
What Jesus teaches about painLater in the book Crabb says. "Jesus' teaching might be summarized this way. When you hurt, hurt. Hurt openly in the presence of God. Hurt openly in the presence of the few who provide you with safe community. Feel your pain. Regard brokenness as an opportunity, as the chance to discover a desire that no brokenness can eliminate but that only brokenness reveals." Then Crabb states "For Jesus, the answer to suffering is to suffer intensely, to risk feeling so bad and then walk through that pain-through prayer, the Word, spiritual disciplines, and community-toward the center of your soul where above all else you desire God."
This is where I desire to live. Pain is pain. You do not need to apologize for feeling heavy, burdened, forsaken, alone, and undesired. The world may not be ready to receive your weakened soul but God is ready to receive you. I pray with everything inside me that if you are experiencing this kind of pain, if you desire to be called 'Mara' instead of your name, God sends someone to live in these moments with you.
I am so grateful I went through this with my husband. Mike can be so strong even in oppressive darkness. He is a fighter and puts the Lord first in our marriage. God put him in my life so I could experience what unconditional love looks like. When I am falling apart he carries me on his back. He would breathe for me if he could. If our daughter is even half of him she will be the most amazing person.
I pray that one day you will breathe life again. I pray you seek comfort in the Word and stories God has given us because he is a merciful and sensitive God. I pray that even when Satan is trying to convince you to find hope in something fragile that you would remind yourself of God's truth. I pray that someday It will be well in your soul.
Matthew 5: 3-11"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil again you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."