Monday, August 31, 2009
At times, this lie creeps into my mental frame work and eXplodes through body language, speech, lack of eye contact, etc. I refer to it as a lie because I am mentally and spiritually mature enough to recognize ideas concepts and feelings that do not have a justifiable foundation to them. But, this lie that occasionally creeps into my existence fills me with insecurities. Insecurities that tell me I am not working hard enough, that I am not smart enough, that I am not where I ought to be with God. Also, usually when these feelings arise the old saying, “When it rains, it pours” seems to be especially true. I want nothing more than to be a man of God. I want to be known as a man of God who has a plan; and feels confident in following through with that plan. My experience though, shows me that life will not simply allow you to walk down her halls of circumstantial dizziness without kicking while you are down once, twice, or maybe a dozen times when you are at your weakest point. In a nutshell, that was today. Yes, I learned lessons, and did my best to keep the communication with God first and foremost. But, I lost a couple battles; battles to control my anger, battles to control my tongue, and battles to keep my own self-regard in a high and positive place our of the reach of the deceiver.
I know these feelings are not right, because I know God is not holding a magnifying glass to my life squinting his eyes in displeasure waiting to smite me for my stupidity. I understand Grace, and know full well that he is giving it to me in abundance on a daily basis. But still, at times these feelings overwhelm me and leave me feeling low. The feelings of inadequacy stem from my deep desire to do well, I mean really succeed in all things school, Young Life, relational, etc. When I see myself deviate from my initial goals, I get really hard on myself. I mean it, I really look at myself as a failure, even with things that are not a big deal. I have trouble giving myself grace sometimes. Just to give you a little insight. I didn't study my Spanish homework tonight, because every time I try to study Spanish on my own, I feel so incredibly worthless, I almost can't put words to it. I embarrasse myself, and I feel completely inadequate. I friggin hate that feeling, so I just avoided it. Now, I am getting a tutor tomorrow. But still, that was just an example.
If you are saying, "dang Mikey, your days don't usually end on this sad of a point, is that all there is?" Well it's not. And there was a huge point of reassurance. I am honored to say that point came through my dad. After seeing my frustration manifest itself through tensed up body language, inward talk (rackin frackin etc.), and just a low demanor. My dad asked me, right as dinner was being prepared. "Hey, you wanna go for a walk?" I said, "Yes." It was soo good. Now, he did not say anything that was so deep that it gave me a new perspective on looking at life and my place in it. He did not offer me advice that enlightened me to see things a new way. He didn't need to. He assured me that things were going to be okay, and lifted me up. He encouraged me that I am more than able and that God doesn't put us in situations we can't handle. I left that walk feeling a whole heck of a lot better. He assured me about Janice & I, and just let me know things were gonna be okay. Doesn't mean that the confusion is gone, but it does mean that my dad is a real man; that he loves his son, and boy do I appreciate him a whole hell of a lot.