Monday, February 11, 2008

I am 7,725 days old

I am making sturdy strides towards a Christ centered heart. My mind set was very jumbled and tossed all around today. I had a poignant sense of sadness today that I just couldn’t shake. I think it could have come from all of the things tumbling around in my mind. It’s not even emotional baggage; it’s something that is inside of me that I can’t quite pick out. The first metaphor I can think up would be a bag of Doritos. You could be enjoying a bag of Cheesy Doritos when all of a sudden; you pick out that one burnt chip and chomp down on it. Yuck! It would ruin the experience for you, and you’d probably stop eating them. I feel like there is a burnt Dorito inside of me, and I am just waiting for myself to pick it out and take a bite, or someone else will find it. It’s so strange, because I have no clue where it is coming from. I am making strides towards defining where this “chip” came from, and spending time in prayer in regards to it. But, I haven’t got anything yet.

For the past couple of weeks I have been trying to go and see a movie. I call people and try to make something happen, but it keeps falling through time and time again. It happened again today, so I just said, "enough" and I went and saw There Will be Blood al by myself. I enjoyed it actually. It was the first time I have ever gone and seen a movie all by myself. The movie was okay, but the time to myself was amazing!

I had a gymnastics meet tonight, and I was hardly there. I found it very difficult to motivate the girls, and I had a thought on my mind. This thought has been plaguing me, I think it would be safe to call this “thought” emotional baggage. (This might be a contradicting BLOGG) Even when you have forgiven yourself, and have asked for forgiveness from God, I think it is ohh so important to the healing process to ask for forgiveness from the person you have wronged. I have had it put on my heart to ask for forgiveness from a specific person. I did, and it was really difficult for me to do. My personality surprises me ohh so often. I can think through a scenario a million times and know exactly what to say, then when it comes down to speaking time, I get rattled and flake out. I got my message across, but I was wordless and dry towards the end. I actually froze up a bit. I said what I felt lead to say, and then just kind of froze up. I did however feel a bit of weight lifted off my shoulders. It felt good to know I can let something go. I guess now that I am able to analyze myself a bit, I can say that my evening was maybe disrupted by these uneasy feelings that I was harboring. I wonder why things work like that? Why can’t things just be lifted from your psyche and then diminished? Why is it that God allows things to linger? Does he, or is that all on my part? When God forgives, he forgets, how come I can’t forget? Why does it take so long to forgive certain people or situations? How come some things hurt so bad? I have a lot on my mind, I hope I can sleep tonight.

I needed to write what was on my mind. It will be good for me to read what I wrote and go over it in the future. Sorry if my words are confusing.

Can anyone SUGGEST a book for me to read? I think I would really like to read a good book that will challenge me spiritually. I really want to start reading a good book. The last book I started to read was over my head, an I didn't enjoy it. I didn't even read half of it. I would really like it if someone would RECCOMEND a good book for me. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey little bro,
I have the perfect book for you. Maximized manhood by Ed Cole. Give me a call and I will let you borrow it. I read it and WOW! Talk to you soon.And hey, you asked God for forgiveness,trust me, you got from Him. Just need to let things go sometimes. I know and trust me, I learned the hard way.
Love ya,
Troy

rileydster said...

Great testimony with those kids last Thursday.

The emptiness and sadness is normal after a weekend retreat. You are closer to God the more time you spend with him. When you spend a weekend with him you are naturally going to be down some as you leave His presence for the world. I call it the mountain top withdrawl to the valley. The mountain top experience is so awesome and you can see very clearly what you should be doing. You leave the mountain top, you miss the view, and the clouds hide the place you were.

We need a health update.