Sunday, December 24, 2006

If You Don't Care, Go Away!!!

Okay, right now I need to spill my guts. I need to express exactly what is on my mind and heart, because I cannot resolve anything with anyone. My mom is staying super upset; my sister is at her house taking a shower, away from us for the immediate future. My dad is working on a Christmas present. Ok, I will fill you in on what happened this morning, listen very closely or else you will be tragically confused. This morning started off so well, Everyone was in high spirits, and the mood was good. I went to church with my parent's and we enjoyed the Christmas Eve service. IT WAS GOOD Then not to horribly long after I got home from church, merideth called me, and told me everything was going good, and she would be at our house at 3:00, ready to head out to Aunt Jackie's. It dropped down such a friggin steep hill after that phone call. It got super close to 3, and my sister was asking my mom if she could drive separately. IT STARTS!!!!!! Okay, at this point, me, my mom, and my dad feel like merideth is pulling one of her regular "stunts." In reality, she was helping out a good friend, and neighbor get to her family in Michigan. BUT, merideth's past tells us that she is bull shitting, and making excuses for not wanting to be with us. That is how me, my mom, and dad saw it anyways. This made me most of all very angry. Very, Very,Very angry. I took it personally, the way I saw it, was like I try so hard to get mer to be a closer part of the family, and she is being selfish. That was my first huge mistake. So, mer gets to our house at 4:06 and we leave. Ohhhhh man do I have a huge chip on my shoulder. Ya see, I couldn't have seen the truth in the situation if it bit me in the ass. All I saw was "man, merideth is screwing over MY family again!!!!" So what do i do? I plan how I am going to attack her. What should I have done? shown her unconditional love.

So, this is what I did. As soon as the van left the house, I immediately started in on her. The first thing I said was, wow mer, I was hoping you were not going to show up, so we could leave without you. Right away both my mom and dad tell me to drop it, and let it go. Actually, they were begging me to let it go. BUT NO WAY!!! I WILL TEACH HER A LESSON!!!!!!!!! I start making one personal slam after another. Hurtful things, then I get LOUD!! I am screaming at merideth as if I had authority over her. Finally it gets so bad, my dad slams on the breaks, and we screech to a stop. My dad jumps out of the van, and attempts to open my sliding door. By this time, I was out of control. I felt like my dad was gonna lay some woop azz on me, IN REALITY he wanted to talk to me in the back of the van, talk some sense into me. So, we have a little emotional spill session, speaking very loudly, and expressing close personal feelings so mer could definitely hear us. Finally he talked enough sense into me to walk to the back of the van. He put his hands on my shoulders and prayed that I could take a pride hit. He looked me in the eyes, and told me I needed to drop it, and that I needed to suck up my pride and DROP IT. I was sobbing at this point, very emotional. Very hurt by Merideth. So, the rest of the car ride went like this. He made merideth sit in front, and me and my mom sat in the back. The more we drove, the more I saw the situation for the truth. The truth was I felt hurt because I couldn't make merideth change. The truth was I was not trusting God, I was relying on myself to make the situation all better. By the time we got to My Aunt Jackie’s house, I told merideth that I was wrong, and that I wanted us both to be able to enjoy Christmas at Aunt Jackies house. This was the first and smallest step I took. So, slowly we enjoyed the evening. Mar and I Kept our distance, but slowly we came around.

Ok, that was the ride to Christmas Eve. Now we are on the ride home. So, I made small stupid talk about the Verizon bill........that was nothing big, just me being a little bit of an ass. Then my mom asked a very interesting question. She asked me, mer, and my dad. "What is your favorite memory of Christmas Past?" Nice question mom. Seriously, I liked it. So, I was the first one to give my answer. I said, I remember when we lived in our old, old, old house when you would make me and merideth wait on the steps until everything was perfect. All the candles had to be lit, the fireplace had to be glowing, and the candles had to smell good. The Christmas cookies had to be out for the taking. Everything had to look, smell, and feel like Christmas. I said, I always loved that feeling. And when it was time to go, it was like being at the dog races. Bam, the gates were lifted, and me and mer ran to our hord of goodies. That was my favorite memory. Then I turned the mood from happy, to sad. I said, well, my worst memory was when we had to get rid of our family pet, Jackson. A beautiful Pure Bred Golden Retriever. Ohh how we all loved that animal. Especially me, and after 6 years, we got rid of him, because the owner of the rental house didn't want us to make her carpet nasty. Then I told my dad, that I was so angry with him, because I felt like if I was daddy, I would have made it so we could have kept Jackson, and that I felt like he really let me down.

Ok, understanding the atmosphere in the van now? Everyone is being analyzed. Then my mom says, Yea, I have a lot of regrets. Then the subject of High School got brought up. I said, "well I made the best of it, and had great friends, but hated Leo." Then my sister pours a little bit of her hurting heart, and says, well I really felt betrayed by my supposed Church Friends. She told how at Church, which was one of the main reasons we moved. She said that the friends she felt she belonged with at church, really spat in her face at school. She felt like they were hypocrites, and it really hurt her and I really believe it did. Then it gets a little messy. One of the first things my mom said was, well, don't you think a part of that could have been your fault merideth?

Ok, Ok, Ok. See any problem with that????? I DO<>
I really do. It is sad, but it didn’t really get better after that. My mom and sister both played the blame game. Feeling sorry for them selves, and it was just pride, and stupidness. Very frustrating, and ughhhhh, it gets old. LoL. But, ya know what? God says love them. And each time something like this happens, if I can walk away from it still loving each one. And love myself. I think I am doing alright. And ya know what? I love my mom, Sister merideth, and dad a whole lot. It would take something so huge to take that away. Like, my mom would have to drill screws through my eyes, and castrate me. My dad would probably have to shave my head and brand me with a cattle iron. And my sister would probably have to run me over with her car repeatedly. I mean like over, and over, and over again.
I love them, and I always will. They are my family, and Ain’t no one going to take that away, and besides, It’s all good. An important man in my life once said, Love God, Love People, Don’t mess with the rest. I like that.

The good news is, i got to spend some time with some very important woman in my life tonight. The cutie to the left is Tiana, the cutie to the right is Emily. Tonight, both of these little ladies were singing Christmas Carrols, and acting for the video camera on my phone. It is so so so so so friggin cute, i wish i could put the videos on here, but i am having some techinal difficulties to say the least. Good night, and merry Christmas.