Saturday, December 20, 2008

gross disapointment

The title of Today's post could have been "The Matt Struggle" and made just as much sense to me. Today, my cousin Matt (who has been living with my parents & I since August) decided for whatever reasons that today was the day he would buy a car and "move on with life." He said that he had to do this for his independence and as a part of "being a man." Ever since Matt has moved in, he has been growing in leaps and bounds in Christ. Making new spiritual discoveries as well as connecting some of the dot's in his own life. He has gotten involved with an accountability group and just done really awesome things. The fact that he has been able to keep his job for as long as he has speaks wonders to where he has come from and where he wants to be. Well, today, I feel was a huge step backward. Ever since he started spending time with a guy from work, Matt has been....well changing. I have seen this change before in my own life and it is NO GOOD. His outlook on things has been changing, and he has been not prompted to be in the word, or even looking for God. Although he said he came to his decision after prayer and much contemplation, I don't believe him (I can't know for sure....). This is what it came down to. Matt decided it was time to buy a car. RIGHT NOW, he wanted it and made up his mind. A very extremely foolish decision, but the one he made. My mother, father and myself tried and tried to talk logic and common sense into him, but he was locking it all out. It seemed as though someone has planted this idea in his mind that he really needed to do this (new friends), he says it is all his own decision. He decided that he would go to a buy here/pay here and get himself a car. No matter how much they bent him over and screwed him, he was going to do this. No matter that in his past he has done this I think 3 times, and each time had to have his car repowed. He was going to do this and that was that. We tried to talk good God fearing logic into his head. But I am serious, he wouldn't have it. Although he says he wants accountability, and help, he was a closed door. It sucked so much to see that, and I know where it will most likely lead him.

So, he was going to have a guy from the car lot pick him up. But, I told him I would take him.I sat in there and listened to this guy take advantage of Matt. And watch a guy who can't save a penny blow everything he has worked so hard to get. It was painful to watch. It didn't have anything to do with all the time I have put into Matt, it had everything to do with me seeing that he is beginning to walk back down the road of destruction. One might say, "well it's only a car," but in Matt's case, it is so much more. It got to the point where I was so extremely frustrated and sad that I told him, "Matt, I am intensely disappointed, if you need me, please call." And that was that, he didn't come back home, and that is that.The day ended and it finally came down to this. I said, "well, what step do we take with Matt now?" We discussed that we need to love him. Love him unconditionally, and realize that we did everything that we could to impact him in Christ. That God is in control, and no matter where Matt's life goes from here, we are continue to impact him in love. That we are not to stand as individuals who will enable him to make or continue in bad decisions, but that we musn't ever give up, or just write him off. It kind of makes you "GULP" in your throat, because if you know Matt how I know Matt, you know the likely outcome. But, God is bigger than any of my preconceived notions of how things will go. I trust that this happened for a reason, and that I did everything I could. I am frustrated and sad, but that's okay. God is good, ohh yes, God is good.


Anonymous said...

What you and your parents are doing is all you can do at this point. What Matt is looking for may not be what you are looking for, so you have to let him spread his wings and land where he lands. If you will be there for him no matter what then he will be ok. Maybe he just doesnt see things the way you and your family do, and he wants to go out on his own. There is no defined right or wrong in this world only what we each believe. Hopefully he will be ok, and knows he has you to come back to or call if he falters, but that is all you can do. What works for him may not be what you stand for but if you love him you have to accept his choice and move on.

Gracie said...

I'm sorry to hear about your cousin.
I will keep your family and Matt in my prayers. Never give up hope- God's arm is not short.